RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

So unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you know that our world is in a different place than we’ve been in for quite some time. Many places are in lockdown, others are in partial lockdown, and still more are moving that way. This is unusual, and anything unusual also tends to be scary, especially for parents with children and teenagers. However, for those of us in blended families, these times are even more complicated.

For those of us who are old enough to remember 9/11, one of the major aspects of that day was seeing how many parents immediately went to schools or daycare centers to get their kids and bring them home. I was in college at the time, and some students (who were within driving distance) were contacted by their parents about coming home. Understandably, in times of crisis, parents want to be able to see and hug their children to make sure that they’re safe.

Easter a few years ago with my wife and my two girls. They’re 13 and 15 these days…how time flies!

However, for blended families, this isn’t necessarily possible. In one of the blended family Facebook groups I’m part of, I’ve seen multiple posts recently asking how various family groups are handling the current situation. Do you have all the kids in one place? Do they all go to their bio-parents’ house? Do some kids stay with one parent while others go with the other? Do you do regular switch-overs, or do you adjust the time? Do you scratch switch-over altogether, and if so, for how long? What if the bio-parents don’t agree on the answers to these questions?

These are all questions that need to be carefully thought through and considered, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for blended family questions. However, I want to share with you a few principles that should help shape your thinking when trying to answer these questions for your own blended family.

1. What is best for the children’s health and safety? This is the single biggest question that needs to be a guide for you. It may seem obvious, but often we let our own desires or emotions override what might be best for our children. Now is not the time for egos; now is the time for rational, honest self-assessment and decision-making.

2. What threats are present in various homes that need to be considered? For example, if one home has someone who may still have to go to work and is much more likely to be exposed, and the other home doesn’t, at least consider having the child stay in the ‘more safe’ environment, even if that’s difficult for you.

3. What if the parents disagree? In difficult situations, when parents cannot find a ground for compromise or agreement, my usual suggestion is to default to whichever parent has a more ‘strict’ or protective view. This is difficult and not terribly pleasant, but I do think it’s worth considering. In a time of crisis, we need to be willing to show grace and patience above and beyond what we normally would.

4. What if the children need to stay in one home? If this is the case, then I would strongly encourage you to be flexible regarding communication between homes: increase time available for phone calls, facetime, Skype calls, texting, Google hangouts, or whatever your chosen method of communication is. 

5. Remember that however worried/anxious/scared/nervous you are, the children are feeling these things even more acutely than we are. They are looking to us for guidance and direction, and we need to make sure that we are providing those things for them. This includes setting an example for them in how we relate to the other adults in their world in times of crisis. 

Remember, in times of crisis, our beliefs and our values and our commitments are tested. In the midst of those times we need to make sure that we are continuing to ‘walk the walk’ and not just ‘talk the talk’ in front of our children. 

Show grace, show cooperation show empathy. Display courage, display wisdom, display prudence. Exercise humility, exercise perseverance, exercise patience.

These are difficult times, and our families need us now more than ever before. Let us commit to doing what is best for our families even when it’s difficult; this is important for the short-term, and it also lays good foundations for a better long-term relationship as well.

If you have any questions, or if I can help you with specifics in your blended family, please reach out to me today. Email me at joel@speakerjoel.com or joel@joelwhawbaker.com or through the Contact Joel pages on either of my websites (www.joelwhawbaker.com and www.reallifeleading.com ) .

For more tips and articles on blended family life, be sure to check out my website at www.stepdadding.com . Thanks!!

RLL 78: Bizarre Thanksgiving Meals

RLL 78: Bizarre Thanksgiving Meals

[Originally published at: https://www.encouragingdads.com/blog/bizarre-thanksgiving-meals]

by Joel Hawbaker, written for www.encouragingdads.com

When I was in high school, we had bizarre Thanksgiving celebrations at my house, though I didn’t realize it at the time. They weren’t bizarre because we ate outlandish food or participated in strange rituals or just pretended the holiday didn’t exist. What I mean is that Thanksgiving was bizarre because of who we celebrated it with.

My parents split up when I was in middle school, and about a year later my mom started dating the man that I still call my stepdad today. My parents remained in the same town, and even though we lived with Mom, Dad came and picked us up to take us to school each morning. When Brian (my stepdad) entered the picture, I expected things to get tense or difficult because of everything I’d ever heard about stepfamilies. I also expected that because of my own insecurity; I figured one or both of them would be jealous and then things might get ugly.

UNEXPECTED RESULTS

Instead, the exact opposite happened: Dad and Brian became good friends. Dad was still welcome at Mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and so that became how we celebrated. Around the same table, a visitor would have seen my brother, my sister, myself, and Mom, Dad, and Brian; and a lot of years they’d have also seen Brian’s dad (who we affectionately called “Pops”) and my mom’s mother (Granny Bet).

I didn’t realize this was bizarre until I went to college. Until then, I didn’t know many people whose parents were divorced. In fact, when my parents split up, I remember having the conscious thought that, “I’ve just become a statistic.” Divorce wasn’t nearly as common, or at least it didn’t seem to be as common, in the 1990s as it seems to be today. So I didn’t have many situations to compare mine with until I was in college. It was there that I learned just how bizarre my Thanksgiving celebrations had been and how blessed our family was by them.

I remember one other important part of that time period, a conversation I had with my father after one of those Thanksgiving meals. I asked him if he was really as OK as he seemed with the whole situation. His answer was simple and profound. He said, “Son, since your mom and I divorced, it’s no longer my business who she spends her time with. As long as he is good to you, I don’t have any say in the matter, nor should I.”

That struck me as incredibly mature (almost beyond the comprehension of an incredibly immature and insecure teenager like I was), and as I’ve gotten older I have been more and more struck by the truth and power in that statement. Dad was showing me that he still loved me and cared for me, but he also was showing me that he respected Mom’s role to live her own life free of his interference. Mom and Dad backed up their words and demonstrated this on a daily basis, and Brian did the same: he never tried to replace Dad or push him out of the picture.

In another stunning example of maturity, Brian and Dad respected each other and even became friends. In fact, when Dad died in the summer of 2008, Brian was one of the men who spoke at my father’s memorial service. Both men were military veterans with a high sense of honor, duty, and respect, and I was blessed to have two amazing father-figures in my world from high school onward. This had an even more powerful effect on my life since I went through a divorce (with two daughters) about a decade ago.

***

LESSONS LEARNED

There are many lessons to be learned from this, but I just want to share a few of them with you right now. First, ask yourself what kind of example you had growing up and if it’s an example you want to imitate and live up to, or if it’s the kind of example you want to avoid becoming yourself. When we know what we’re trying to accomplish (or avoid), we’re much more likely to find success.

Second, think about your relationship with your ex and his/her new partner. It’s not likely that we’re all going to become friends with our ex’s new partner. But there’s no reason why we can’t be respectful and kind and try to build a solid relationship. I know it can be difficult, and I know it won’t always be easy (or even successful), but the attempt to build a relationship with your ex’s new partner is about more than just that relationship: it’s about setting a good example for your children, even if you’re the only one doing it.

Third and finally, be willing to consider looking at things from the perspective of the other party. My best friend David is about 6’4” tall, and when we were teenagers he cracked his head on the pull-up bar I had screwed into my bedroom door frame. I only stand 5’3” tall, so it never occurred to me that it could be a hazard like that! This past weekend at our Friendsgiving celebration, David and his wife came. So, before they got there, I made sure to take down the pull-up bar that I have, in order to prevent him repeating the situation from many years ago. Then it occurred to me: I’ve never been a stepdad, so I don’t know what it’s like. Thus, it would be good for me to listen and learn and be willing to see things from a different perspective, especially one that is outside of my experience.

That is what Dad and Brian both did: dad was never a stepdad, and Brian never had any biological children. Instead, they worked together (along with Mom) to raise us well and to set a good example. They loved us differently and in complementary ways. They worked to get along, and they worked to encourage us in our school work, our athletics, and in our family lives as we all got older. And for me, it all began with those bizarre Thanksgiving meals.

This Christmas season, consider your family traditions: what example did you see, what relationship can you build on, and how willing are you to look at things from another person’s perspective? Whatever you’re going through, remember that you’re not alone, and we’re here to help.

RLL 76: Scheduling Flexibility Is A Must

Real Life Leading 76

Scheduling Flexibility Is A Must

It’s summertime here in the USA, and one of my family’s favorite activities is to go to our local swimming pool and cool off. This summer, my wife is managing the pool, and our older daughter is in her first year as a lifeguard there. One of the extra services that the pool provides is swim lessons to local families, and it is from this that I was reminded of a valuable lesson: when you’re part of a blended family or co-parenting situation, scheduling flexibility is a must.

My wife and her best friend had a great time at the face-painting station.

There’s a young boy who has been taking swim lessons from my wife for a few weeks now. The boy’s parents recently divorced, and they are sharing custody with each parent having the child one week at a time. The parents’ work schedules are very different, and so the boy is only able to have the swim lessons on the weeks he is with his dad. He’s enjoyed his lessons and has made great progress so far, and because of the schedule, the dad wants him to take lessons each day (Monday-Friday) that he can.

Earlier this week, due to the pending 4th of July holiday (Happy Independence Day, by the way!!!), my wife and I were excited to see that she had a whole day this week without any swim lessons. This surprised us because often she has two to three lessons per day, multiple days per week. However, the morning of her full day with no lessons, she received a text from this man, asking if his son could squeeze in a lesson that day since they had some unexpected free time.

At first, my wife was hesitant simply because we were excited to have a chance to get more errands done and tasks accomplished without any swim lessons. But then, as we were driving through town, she said, “You know, if his dad can bring him, I really should make time to teach this lesson.” And so she did. I was impressed but not surprised at her decision to make time in her schedule, because she knows the reality of blended family life from our experiences. She ended up teaching multiple lessons this week, including one on the morning of the 4th.

The annual Big Splash Contest was a huge hit!

In our world, with four parents and two houses, flexibility is a must. Regardless of your specific blended family or co-parenting situation, I encourage you to be flexible with your scheduling. Yes, it’s great to have a plan and stick to it if possible. However, as we all know, life happens; plans change; things come up; appointments run long; cars break down; and many other things happen outside of our control. What’s important is how we respond. Do we demand that we stick to a plan, even though circumstances have changed, or are we willing to amicably reschedule things as necessary when that works out better for many (if not all) of the people involved?

Again, I encourage you to be flexible as much as possible. It’s a loving action, it helps create better long-term relationships, and it also builds up credibility in terms of showing all involved in your situation that you are committed to doing what’s best overall even if it’s not the most convenient for yourself. Be flexible, and be friendly about it, and you’ll be amazed at how much it can help!

Action Step: This week, look for opportunities to be flexible with your scheduling, and be sure to show appreciation if you’re the one asking for flexibility from others.