RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

So unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you know that our world is in a different place than we’ve been in for quite some time. Many places are in lockdown, others are in partial lockdown, and still more are moving that way. This is unusual, and anything unusual also tends to be scary, especially for parents with children and teenagers. However, for those of us in blended families, these times are even more complicated.

For those of us who are old enough to remember 9/11, one of the major aspects of that day was seeing how many parents immediately went to schools or daycare centers to get their kids and bring them home. I was in college at the time, and some students (who were within driving distance) were contacted by their parents about coming home. Understandably, in times of crisis, parents want to be able to see and hug their children to make sure that they’re safe.

Easter a few years ago with my wife and my two girls. They’re 13 and 15 these days…how time flies!

However, for blended families, this isn’t necessarily possible. In one of the blended family Facebook groups I’m part of, I’ve seen multiple posts recently asking how various family groups are handling the current situation. Do you have all the kids in one place? Do they all go to their bio-parents’ house? Do some kids stay with one parent while others go with the other? Do you do regular switch-overs, or do you adjust the time? Do you scratch switch-over altogether, and if so, for how long? What if the bio-parents don’t agree on the answers to these questions?

These are all questions that need to be carefully thought through and considered, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for blended family questions. However, I want to share with you a few principles that should help shape your thinking when trying to answer these questions for your own blended family.

1. What is best for the children’s health and safety? This is the single biggest question that needs to be a guide for you. It may seem obvious, but often we let our own desires or emotions override what might be best for our children. Now is not the time for egos; now is the time for rational, honest self-assessment and decision-making.

2. What threats are present in various homes that need to be considered? For example, if one home has someone who may still have to go to work and is much more likely to be exposed, and the other home doesn’t, at least consider having the child stay in the ‘more safe’ environment, even if that’s difficult for you.

3. What if the parents disagree? In difficult situations, when parents cannot find a ground for compromise or agreement, my usual suggestion is to default to whichever parent has a more ‘strict’ or protective view. This is difficult and not terribly pleasant, but I do think it’s worth considering. In a time of crisis, we need to be willing to show grace and patience above and beyond what we normally would.

4. What if the children need to stay in one home? If this is the case, then I would strongly encourage you to be flexible regarding communication between homes: increase time available for phone calls, facetime, Skype calls, texting, Google hangouts, or whatever your chosen method of communication is. 

5. Remember that however worried/anxious/scared/nervous you are, the children are feeling these things even more acutely than we are. They are looking to us for guidance and direction, and we need to make sure that we are providing those things for them. This includes setting an example for them in how we relate to the other adults in their world in times of crisis. 

Remember, in times of crisis, our beliefs and our values and our commitments are tested. In the midst of those times we need to make sure that we are continuing to ‘walk the walk’ and not just ‘talk the talk’ in front of our children. 

Show grace, show cooperation show empathy. Display courage, display wisdom, display prudence. Exercise humility, exercise perseverance, exercise patience.

These are difficult times, and our families need us now more than ever before. Let us commit to doing what is best for our families even when it’s difficult; this is important for the short-term, and it also lays good foundations for a better long-term relationship as well.

If you have any questions, or if I can help you with specifics in your blended family, please reach out to me today. Email me at joel@speakerjoel.com or joel@joelwhawbaker.com or through the Contact Joel pages on either of my websites (www.joelwhawbaker.com and www.reallifeleading.com ) .

For more tips and articles on blended family life, be sure to check out my website at www.stepdadding.com . Thanks!!

RLL 71: Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

Real Life Leading 71: Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

This week, I was reminded of how much I still have to learn. Providentially, that reminder coincided with the publishing of a podcast interview that is all about lessons and tips for blended families. Anna Seewald, founder of Authentic Parenting (https://authenticparenting.com/) , and I had an excellent conversation on the topic of blended families. Below is a summary of what we discussed as well as a link to our interview. I hope that both prove helpful to you and your family.

8 Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

1. Seek to apply the golden rule: Treat other people the way you want them to treat you, even when it’s difficult. And sometimes, in order to do this, we must leave past perceptions in the past.

2. Put kids first, especially when it’s hard or inconvenient. At its heart, this is a large part of what parenting is all about, so be willing to put what’s good for the children ahead of your own desires.

3. Make decisions with the long term goals in mind. Keep your focus on helping them become the adult that God has created them to be.

4. Speak gently whenever there is a disagreement [full disclosure: I have failed at this many times with my daughters, and it has caused much damage. I strongly urge you to be aware of your tone, especially when speaking with children.]  When speaking with other adults, the best way to decompress a situation is to speak calmly, no matter what. It isn’t always easy, but speaking over someone is not going to get anyone the result they desire

5. Accept that you can never get things 100% your way in a blended family (or in any family, really). Once you accept that, it becomes much easier to do adapt and compromise as necessary.

6. As much as possible, be flexible and adaptable, especially regarding time. There is generally a written “rule” or legal document, but consider being flexible when it is helpful to the kids. [Again, full disclosure: this is something that I’m very thankful my ex-wife and I both strive to do, allowing each other to see the kids when it’s not “our week” with them.]

7. Be willing to apologize for your mistakes. Openly acknowledge when you are wrong. Not only is this the right thing to do, it also sets an example for your children to follow.

8. Make it a habit to speak well of the other adults involved in the relationship. It’s important not to bad mouth each other, and it may be even more important to purposefully point out the positives! Be sure to talk about how loved the children are by all of their parents.

• Click here to listen to the interview: https://authenticparenting.com/8-lessons-to-make-blended-families-work?fbclid=IwAR0GkhlwVaNf-R2WyBgv_gfIfMSprTmbZRGpNgNQ5rKY0xh3g2wc9Y82YrU

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

Carly’s mom, Carly, and me, after her performance: VERY PROUD of her!

Last weekend, our family was extremely blessed to get to have our older daughter perform with the Honors Performance Series choir at Carnegie Hall in New York City! It was an incredible experience, a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we’re so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible. From people who donated funds to people who gave us traveling tips to those who prayed for us, we give a loud and hearty THANK YOU to you all! In addition to having such an amazing trip, I was reminded of a few important aspects to blended family life that I wanted to share.

Carly’s stoic face before her performance

Carly and her friends celebrating after their performance. LOVE how well she makes friends and how much fun they had together.

1. Co-parenting requires extra communication and patience when it’s on the road. Carly and her mom went to New York City a few days earlier than I did because Carly had rehearsals for the performance. The events of the program were all over the city and included rehearsals, tours, tourist events, celebrations, and the actual performance. Parents were only allowed at certain events, and were not allowed at others, and Carly’s mom and I took turns being at some of the parent events. Most importantly, in order to make sure Carly was where she needed to be, there had to be near-constant communication between Carly, her mom, and me. I’m very thankful to say this worked out quite well for Carly and for us, thanks to a healthy dose of communication and patience with each other.

2. Put the kids’ needs first, and act like adults toward each other. By the time I joined Carly and her mom, they already had a pretty good routine and schedule worked out, and they were gracious in terms of letting me then join and become a part of it. The whole purpose of the trip was Carly’s performance, so the rehearsals were the number one priority. Outside of those though, Carly’s mom and I had a different set of priorities for our free time (i.e., we wanted to see different things in NYC). So, what did we do? We checked with each other to make sure that between the two of us we knew where/when Carly needed to be, and then we were able to still do the things we wanted as well. As before, this required understanding and communication, and I’m grateful that we were able to do all the things we wanted to and, most importantly, get Carly to where she needed to be.

3. Celebrate the victories. Carly’s choir and the whole event were amazing. The kids were incredibly talented, the directors were top-notch, and the entire program was well-run. The most incredible thing was seeing our daughter on-stage performing at a world-famous venue and then getting to celebrate with her afterward. She made new friends, had an exciting and exhausting (in a good way) time, and it’s something she will remember forever. So, how did we celebrate? By being there with her and encouraging her and telling her how insanely proud of her we are. We took pictures and posted them all over social media, and we tagged each other to make sure no one missed any of the pictures. We spoke with family and friends, and we made sure that Carly knew she was the centerpiece of this event and celebration. And it was spectacular.

4. Bonus: Show gratitude to everyone who makes great family moments possible, especially the spouses and other family who weren’t able to make it. Truth be told, we would have loved to have taken our entire blended family to New York( mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and the other children), but it just wasn’t financially or logistically possible due to cost and work schedules and life. So, what to do? The answer is to make sure we express our gratitude to everyone for their contributions. I know Carly was great about sending thank you letters to donors who helped pay for the trip, and I knew we did the same as well. But I also want to extend a special thank you to the girls’ stepparents for being understanding, for being trusting, and for taking care of the other children (and our pups!) while we were in New York City. I know they would have loved to have seen Carly’s performance first-hand, and Carly knows it too. Yet, though it wasn’t possible, their support wasn’t any less than ours. THANK YOU for that, and I pray that I can be that supportive in the future.

Action step: This week, ask yourself how you can support your spouse and the other branch of your blended family, whether through prayer or through offering to help with logistics or scheduling. Show patience and understanding, and be sure to celebrate the victories.