RLL 66: Blended Family Birthday Party

RLL 66: Blended Family Birthday Party

The birthday Lou at a local Mexican restaurant, celebrating in style!

This past week, our blended family experienced a giant win! Our youngest daughter turned 12 years old, and we had a wonderful birthday party for her, with all the parents and siblings and three grandparents all in attendance at a local restaurant. We were there for about an hour and a half, and we all had a great time together. There was laughter, storytelling, singing, celebrating, cards, cake, and great fellowship. It was a wonderful example and reminder of how positive and uplifting blended family life can be. Having said that, it wasn’t always this way, and so I’d like to share with you a few thoughts on how we’ve been able to work together to bring about such inspiring situations.

First, understand that it takes patience and time. We’ve celebrated many birthdays for our girls together, and we’ve always tried to have them be positive and happy times for the kids. I think we’ve been mostly successful overall, though this one was noticeably more uplifting than some of them have been. It’s taken a few years for us all to be as comfortable as we are now, and it was enjoyable to see my ex-wife having a great laugh with my wife’s parents; just as it was fun for my girls’ stepdad and I to have a good time talking over dinner as well. We all also enjoyed the “kabloon” (read: balloon) antics of their young son throughout the meal. So, first: be patient because it’ll take time.

The birthday Lou after being serenaded by the excellent wait staff

Second, we have found that having birthday parties in a neutral location often works better than having them at one or the other family’s house. We have tried it both ways, and though the house-based parties have been fun, they also have been somewhat more subdued (at least for the parents) in some ways, probably because it just feels territorial. But the party at the restaurant this year, pool parties at a local swim club and skating parties at a local rink in the past; all of these have gone very well. It seems that it’s just easier for everyone involved to feel more at ease when the location is on neutral ground.

Third, it will take practice. Our first few efforts at having parties together went very well for the kids and the adults, though again there was a lot of tension. I give my wife and ex-wife a lot of credit, because they are the two most involved in planning these events, and they have always tried to work well together in terms of preparations, decorations, and distribution of tasks. The more we’ve done these joint events, the better they seem to go. Also, don’t believe the old saying that practice makes perfect. It doesn’t. Rather, practice makes permanent. So establish good basic habits while also being willing to experiment to see what works best for your family: weeknight or weekend, shorter or longer party, passive party (restaurant) vs. active party (skating, dancing, etc.), friends involved or just family, etc. There are a million different ways to celebrate your kids. The most important thing is to work together to make sure they know that ALL of their parents love them.

The birthday Lou with her little brother and one of her grandfathers

As a final thought: it’s also very important to make sure that everyone knows it’s not a competition. We purposely didn’t do gift exchanges at the party (we did cards, and the grandparents brought gifts) from the parents; these were done at home. This way, it doesn’t even have the appearance of either set of parents trying to out-gift the other set. Rather, the focus was on celebrating our daughter and making her feel extra-loved and appreciated.

How did we do? Well, you be the judge: at the end of the meal, the birthday girl came and sat on my lap for a minute and said, “Dad, I’m so thankful that we can all do this and celebrate together. It was great to see all of you talking and laughing, and I’m grateful it can just be fun and happy and enjoyable. I know that you all love me, and I’m glad you could all be here.” I count that as a major win!

Action Step: This week, begin thinking about whatever your next celebration is, and reach out to the other household to see how you can work together to make it special for the kids.

The birthday Lou with her Poppa and G

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

Carly’s mom, Carly, and me, after her performance: VERY PROUD of her!

Last weekend, our family was extremely blessed to get to have our older daughter perform with the Honors Performance Series choir at Carnegie Hall in New York City! It was an incredible experience, a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we’re so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible. From people who donated funds to people who gave us traveling tips to those who prayed for us, we give a loud and hearty THANK YOU to you all! In addition to having such an amazing trip, I was reminded of a few important aspects to blended family life that I wanted to share.

Carly’s stoic face before her performance

Carly and her friends celebrating after their performance. LOVE how well she makes friends and how much fun they had together.

1. Co-parenting requires extra communication and patience when it’s on the road. Carly and her mom went to New York City a few days earlier than I did because Carly had rehearsals for the performance. The events of the program were all over the city and included rehearsals, tours, tourist events, celebrations, and the actual performance. Parents were only allowed at certain events, and were not allowed at others, and Carly’s mom and I took turns being at some of the parent events. Most importantly, in order to make sure Carly was where she needed to be, there had to be near-constant communication between Carly, her mom, and me. I’m very thankful to say this worked out quite well for Carly and for us, thanks to a healthy dose of communication and patience with each other.

2. Put the kids’ needs first, and act like adults toward each other. By the time I joined Carly and her mom, they already had a pretty good routine and schedule worked out, and they were gracious in terms of letting me then join and become a part of it. The whole purpose of the trip was Carly’s performance, so the rehearsals were the number one priority. Outside of those though, Carly’s mom and I had a different set of priorities for our free time (i.e., we wanted to see different things in NYC). So, what did we do? We checked with each other to make sure that between the two of us we knew where/when Carly needed to be, and then we were able to still do the things we wanted as well. As before, this required understanding and communication, and I’m grateful that we were able to do all the things we wanted to and, most importantly, get Carly to where she needed to be.

3. Celebrate the victories. Carly’s choir and the whole event were amazing. The kids were incredibly talented, the directors were top-notch, and the entire program was well-run. The most incredible thing was seeing our daughter on-stage performing at a world-famous venue and then getting to celebrate with her afterward. She made new friends, had an exciting and exhausting (in a good way) time, and it’s something she will remember forever. So, how did we celebrate? By being there with her and encouraging her and telling her how insanely proud of her we are. We took pictures and posted them all over social media, and we tagged each other to make sure no one missed any of the pictures. We spoke with family and friends, and we made sure that Carly knew she was the centerpiece of this event and celebration. And it was spectacular.

4. Bonus: Show gratitude to everyone who makes great family moments possible, especially the spouses and other family who weren’t able to make it. Truth be told, we would have loved to have taken our entire blended family to New York( mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and the other children), but it just wasn’t financially or logistically possible due to cost and work schedules and life. So, what to do? The answer is to make sure we express our gratitude to everyone for their contributions. I know Carly was great about sending thank you letters to donors who helped pay for the trip, and I knew we did the same as well. But I also want to extend a special thank you to the girls’ stepparents for being understanding, for being trusting, and for taking care of the other children (and our pups!) while we were in New York City. I know they would have loved to have seen Carly’s performance first-hand, and Carly knows it too. Yet, though it wasn’t possible, their support wasn’t any less than ours. THANK YOU for that, and I pray that I can be that supportive in the future.

Action step: This week, ask yourself how you can support your spouse and the other branch of your blended family, whether through prayer or through offering to help with logistics or scheduling. Show patience and understanding, and be sure to celebrate the victories.

RLL 62: Choose to Believe the Best

Real Life Leading 62:

Choose to Believe the Best in Blended Families

We’ve all had situations in which we’ve been misunderstood: you say one thing, but the message somehow got lost, and the reaction you got was not at all what you expected or intended. This is true in traditional nuclear families, it’s true in friendships and dating relationships, and it’s exceedingly true in blended families. The reason is because so much of our communication is non-verbal. In fact, according to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, only 7% of what we communicate comes through the actual words we use. Now, even if his number is low and the actual percentage of verbal communication is 5x that high, that still means that only about a third of what we communicate comes through our words.

Why is this important in blended families (and other relationships)? Because once we’re aware of it, we can do something that is extremely important and powerful:

Whenever there is doubt about the message being communicated, we can choose to believe the best possible interpretation of the message.

Speaking at the NHSA Conference about Blended Family Life was a great honor!

Don’t miss the import here: we can choose to believe in the best interpretation of the words. That means we have tremendous control over how we interpret messages, and thus how we respond to them. We don’t have to get offended or angry. We don’t have to assume the other party is trying to hurt us or make us upset.

Think of the last time you had a misunderstanding: how long did it take to clear it up, and how much extra effort was it? Now, imagine how differently that might have gone if each party had shown grace and understanding, choosing to believe the best. How might that look?

One suggestion to clear up miscommunications would be to simply ask (in a kind tone of voice) for clarification. Another would be to say something like, “I’m not sure I’m entirely following, and I want to make sure I understand you correctly.” However you phrase it, show that your intent is to receive the message as it was intended, giving the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstandings.

Will this always clear up every communication issue? Of course not. But, if you make it a habit to choose to believe the best, I can guarantee one thing: you will feel better about your interactions. I can also almost (though not 100%) guarantee one other thing: over the long-term, this will pay dividends in your relationship with the other adults involved. When they see you consistently showing them grace, trying to understand, and looking to be helpful instead of hurtful, they are more likely to respond in kind. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. Remember, though, that the point is not to change them; the point is to change yourself. Whether the other party ever does respond well or not, you’ll find that you will be more patient, kinder, and more willing to think positively about others. This is the goal.

Also, ask yourself this question, which takes us back to the Golden Rule of our childhood: how would you want them to respond to you? Don’t we want people to believe the best about our intentions and actions, rather than assuming malicious or harmful intent? Then begin by showing that type of grace to others, and see where it takes you.

Action Step: This week, believe the best in all of your blended family interactions, and see how it transforms you and your heart toward the other adults involved.

For more info on this and other blended family topics, come visit me at https://reallifeleading.com/blended-families/