RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

RLL 81: Coronavirus Crisis and Blended Family Thoughts

So unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you know that our world is in a different place than we’ve been in for quite some time. Many places are in lockdown, others are in partial lockdown, and still more are moving that way. This is unusual, and anything unusual also tends to be scary, especially for parents with children and teenagers. However, for those of us in blended families, these times are even more complicated.

For those of us who are old enough to remember 9/11, one of the major aspects of that day was seeing how many parents immediately went to schools or daycare centers to get their kids and bring them home. I was in college at the time, and some students (who were within driving distance) were contacted by their parents about coming home. Understandably, in times of crisis, parents want to be able to see and hug their children to make sure that they’re safe.

Easter a few years ago with my wife and my two girls. They’re 13 and 15 these days…how time flies!

However, for blended families, this isn’t necessarily possible. In one of the blended family Facebook groups I’m part of, I’ve seen multiple posts recently asking how various family groups are handling the current situation. Do you have all the kids in one place? Do they all go to their bio-parents’ house? Do some kids stay with one parent while others go with the other? Do you do regular switch-overs, or do you adjust the time? Do you scratch switch-over altogether, and if so, for how long? What if the bio-parents don’t agree on the answers to these questions?

These are all questions that need to be carefully thought through and considered, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for blended family questions. However, I want to share with you a few principles that should help shape your thinking when trying to answer these questions for your own blended family.

1. What is best for the children’s health and safety? This is the single biggest question that needs to be a guide for you. It may seem obvious, but often we let our own desires or emotions override what might be best for our children. Now is not the time for egos; now is the time for rational, honest self-assessment and decision-making.

2. What threats are present in various homes that need to be considered? For example, if one home has someone who may still have to go to work and is much more likely to be exposed, and the other home doesn’t, at least consider having the child stay in the ‘more safe’ environment, even if that’s difficult for you.

3. What if the parents disagree? In difficult situations, when parents cannot find a ground for compromise or agreement, my usual suggestion is to default to whichever parent has a more ‘strict’ or protective view. This is difficult and not terribly pleasant, but I do think it’s worth considering. In a time of crisis, we need to be willing to show grace and patience above and beyond what we normally would.

4. What if the children need to stay in one home? If this is the case, then I would strongly encourage you to be flexible regarding communication between homes: increase time available for phone calls, facetime, Skype calls, texting, Google hangouts, or whatever your chosen method of communication is. 

5. Remember that however worried/anxious/scared/nervous you are, the children are feeling these things even more acutely than we are. They are looking to us for guidance and direction, and we need to make sure that we are providing those things for them. This includes setting an example for them in how we relate to the other adults in their world in times of crisis. 

Remember, in times of crisis, our beliefs and our values and our commitments are tested. In the midst of those times we need to make sure that we are continuing to ‘walk the walk’ and not just ‘talk the talk’ in front of our children. 

Show grace, show cooperation show empathy. Display courage, display wisdom, display prudence. Exercise humility, exercise perseverance, exercise patience.

These are difficult times, and our families need us now more than ever before. Let us commit to doing what is best for our families even when it’s difficult; this is important for the short-term, and it also lays good foundations for a better long-term relationship as well.

If you have any questions, or if I can help you with specifics in your blended family, please reach out to me today. Email me at joel@speakerjoel.com or joel@joelwhawbaker.com or through the Contact Joel pages on either of my websites (www.joelwhawbaker.com and www.reallifeleading.com ) .

For more tips and articles on blended family life, be sure to check out my website at www.stepdadding.com . Thanks!!

RLL 80: Choices, Consistency, and Consequences

RLL 80: Choices, Consistency, and Consequences

Recently, my stepfather recommended that I read a book called Rise and Grind: How to Out-perform, Out-work, and Out-hustle the Competition by Daymond John, and so I’ve been reading a chapter or so each day. In the book, one thought, more than any other, has stuck out to me. The author, famous for being on the hit television show Shark Tank and for being a mogul in the fashion industry (as well as for writing the best-selling book The Power of Broke), tells an anecdote about something his mother used to say to him which has to do with productivity. As he tells it, his mother used to say, “The time will pass anyway. Might as well use it productively.”

My wife and I at Covenant College, my alma mater and one of my favorite places on earth

The more I’ve thought about this quote, the more power it seems to have. However, I’ve also been thinking this week about how this quote applies not just to productivity but also to the choices we make, the consistency with which we make them, and the consequences of them. See, we all are faced with myriad choices every single day: what to eat, what to wear, how to spend our free time, as well as less obvious (on the outside) choices such as what to think about, what we listen to, what we read or watch. And it’s those inner choices that I’m more concerned about, because the inner choices shape the outward actions.

As a high school teacher, I spend much of my day encouraging students to read. I try to convince them that reading is much more profitable to them as people in the long run that anything they’re doing on their phones. I want them to read books, magazines, newspapers about topics that they’re already interested in, and I want them to do so consistently. By doing this, they’d be helping themselves as well as the future of our society. It feels like a losing battle, but as teachers it’s our job to do the best we can.

Sometimes these dogs drive me crazy, but most of the time they make my heart happy. As Bill Watterson wrote, “It’s hard to be mad at someone who misses you while you’re asleep.”

Outside the classroom, I want to encourage you, the reader today, to take a few moments and join me in considering the choices that we are consistently making regarding our inner life. What are we choosing to focus on? What are we choosing to dwell on consistently? And what are the consequences of those choices?

Are we choosing to think about things that are loving, kind, encouraging, uplifting?

Are we choosing to think about things that are hopeful, gracious, and inspiring?

Or

Are we choosing to dwell on things that make us angry, sad, and resentful?

Are we choosing to dwell on things that make us full of hatred and bitterness?

I’m not saying we won’t ever have the odd thought that makes us angry or bitter or resentful; what I am saying is that we have the choice of whether or not to dwell on that thought, to allow it to fester within us. We can, instead, choose to re-focus our minds on something else. As Martin Luther once said, ‘You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.”

What we choose to focus and dwell on shapes how we respond to and treat others. It shapes how we see ourselves and the world around us. The many choices we make every day that no one even sees have a tremendous impact on the way that we interact with those same people. The consequences of the choices we consistently make are tremendous, so let us choose wisely.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

These are wise words from the ancient world, and we would do well to remember them today.

RLL 71: Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

Real Life Leading 71: Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

This week, I was reminded of how much I still have to learn. Providentially, that reminder coincided with the publishing of a podcast interview that is all about lessons and tips for blended families. Anna Seewald, founder of Authentic Parenting (https://authenticparenting.com/) , and I had an excellent conversation on the topic of blended families. Below is a summary of what we discussed as well as a link to our interview. I hope that both prove helpful to you and your family.

8 Quick Tips for a Better Blended Family

1. Seek to apply the golden rule: Treat other people the way you want them to treat you, even when it’s difficult. And sometimes, in order to do this, we must leave past perceptions in the past.

2. Put kids first, especially when it’s hard or inconvenient. At its heart, this is a large part of what parenting is all about, so be willing to put what’s good for the children ahead of your own desires.

3. Make decisions with the long term goals in mind. Keep your focus on helping them become the adult that God has created them to be.

4. Speak gently whenever there is a disagreement [full disclosure: I have failed at this many times with my daughters, and it has caused much damage. I strongly urge you to be aware of your tone, especially when speaking with children.]  When speaking with other adults, the best way to decompress a situation is to speak calmly, no matter what. It isn’t always easy, but speaking over someone is not going to get anyone the result they desire

5. Accept that you can never get things 100% your way in a blended family (or in any family, really). Once you accept that, it becomes much easier to do adapt and compromise as necessary.

6. As much as possible, be flexible and adaptable, especially regarding time. There is generally a written “rule” or legal document, but consider being flexible when it is helpful to the kids. [Again, full disclosure: this is something that I’m very thankful my ex-wife and I both strive to do, allowing each other to see the kids when it’s not “our week” with them.]

7. Be willing to apologize for your mistakes. Openly acknowledge when you are wrong. Not only is this the right thing to do, it also sets an example for your children to follow.

8. Make it a habit to speak well of the other adults involved in the relationship. It’s important not to bad mouth each other, and it may be even more important to purposefully point out the positives! Be sure to talk about how loved the children are by all of their parents.

• Click here to listen to the interview: https://authenticparenting.com/8-lessons-to-make-blended-families-work?fbclid=IwAR0GkhlwVaNf-R2WyBgv_gfIfMSprTmbZRGpNgNQ5rKY0xh3g2wc9Y82YrU