RLL 78: Bizarre Thanksgiving Meals
[Originally published at: https://www.encouragingdads.com/blog/bizarre-thanksgiving-meals]
by Joel Hawbaker, written for www.encouragingdads.com
When I was in high school, we had bizarre Thanksgiving celebrations at my house, though I didn’t realize it at the time. They weren’t bizarre because we ate outlandish food or participated in strange rituals or just pretended the holiday didn’t exist. What I mean is that Thanksgiving was bizarre because of who we celebrated it with.
My parents split up when I was in middle school, and about a year later my mom started dating the man that I still call my stepdad today. My parents remained in the same town, and even though we lived with Mom, Dad came and picked us up to take us to school each morning. When Brian (my stepdad) entered the picture, I expected things to get tense or difficult because of everything I’d ever heard about stepfamilies. I also expected that because of my own insecurity; I figured one or both of them would be jealous and then things might get ugly.
UNEXPECTED RESULTS
Instead, the exact opposite happened: Dad and Brian became good friends. Dad was still welcome at Mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and so that became how we celebrated. Around the same table, a visitor would have seen my brother, my sister, myself, and Mom, Dad, and Brian; and a lot of years they’d have also seen Brian’s dad (who we affectionately called “Pops”) and my mom’s mother (Granny Bet).
I didn’t realize this was bizarre until I went to college. Until then, I didn’t know many people whose parents were divorced. In fact, when my parents split up, I remember having the conscious thought that, “I’ve just become a statistic.” Divorce wasn’t nearly as common, or at least it didn’t seem to be as common, in the 1990s as it seems to be today. So I didn’t have many situations to compare mine with until I was in college. It was there that I learned just how bizarre my Thanksgiving celebrations had been and how blessed our family was by them.
I remember one other important part of that time period, a conversation I had with my father after one of those Thanksgiving meals. I asked him if he was really as OK as he seemed with the whole situation. His answer was simple and profound. He said, “Son, since your mom and I divorced, it’s no longer my business who she spends her time with. As long as he is good to you, I don’t have any say in the matter, nor should I.”
That struck me as incredibly mature (almost beyond the comprehension of an incredibly immature and insecure teenager like I was), and as I’ve gotten older I have been more and more struck by the truth and power in that statement. Dad was showing me that he still loved me and cared for me, but he also was showing me that he respected Mom’s role to live her own life free of his interference. Mom and Dad backed up their words and demonstrated this on a daily basis, and Brian did the same: he never tried to replace Dad or push him out of the picture.
In another stunning example of maturity, Brian and Dad respected each other and even became friends. In fact, when Dad died in the summer of 2008, Brian was one of the men who spoke at my father’s memorial service. Both men were military veterans with a high sense of honor, duty, and respect, and I was blessed to have two amazing father-figures in my world from high school onward. This had an even more powerful effect on my life since I went through a divorce (with two daughters) about a decade ago.
***
LESSONS LEARNED
There are many lessons to be learned from this, but I just want to share a few of them with you right now. First, ask yourself what kind of example you had growing up and if it’s an example you want to imitate and live up to, or if it’s the kind of example you want to avoid becoming yourself. When we know what we’re trying to accomplish (or avoid), we’re much more likely to find success.
Second, think about your relationship with your ex and his/her new partner. It’s not likely that we’re all going to become friends with our ex’s new partner. But there’s no reason why we can’t be respectful and kind and try to build a solid relationship. I know it can be difficult, and I know it won’t always be easy (or even successful), but the attempt to build a relationship with your ex’s new partner is about more than just that relationship: it’s about setting a good example for your children, even if you’re the only one doing it.
Third and finally, be willing to consider looking at things from the perspective of the other party. My best friend David is about 6’4” tall, and when we were teenagers he cracked his head on the pull-up bar I had screwed into my bedroom door frame. I only stand 5’3” tall, so it never occurred to me that it could be a hazard like that! This past weekend at our Friendsgiving celebration, David and his wife came. So, before they got there, I made sure to take down the pull-up bar that I have, in order to prevent him repeating the situation from many years ago. Then it occurred to me: I’ve never been a stepdad, so I don’t know what it’s like. Thus, it would be good for me to listen and learn and be willing to see things from a different perspective, especially one that is outside of my experience.
That is what Dad and Brian both did: dad was never a stepdad, and Brian never had any biological children. Instead, they worked together (along with Mom) to raise us well and to set a good example. They loved us differently and in complementary ways. They worked to get along, and they worked to encourage us in our school work, our athletics, and in our family lives as we all got older. And for me, it all began with those bizarre Thanksgiving meals.
This Christmas season, consider your family traditions: what example did you see, what relationship can you build on, and how willing are you to look at things from another person’s perspective? Whatever you’re going through, remember that you’re not alone, and we’re here to help.