RLL 78: Bizarre Thanksgiving Meals

RLL 78: Bizarre Thanksgiving Meals

[Originally published at: https://www.encouragingdads.com/blog/bizarre-thanksgiving-meals]

by Joel Hawbaker, written for www.encouragingdads.com

When I was in high school, we had bizarre Thanksgiving celebrations at my house, though I didn’t realize it at the time. They weren’t bizarre because we ate outlandish food or participated in strange rituals or just pretended the holiday didn’t exist. What I mean is that Thanksgiving was bizarre because of who we celebrated it with.

My parents split up when I was in middle school, and about a year later my mom started dating the man that I still call my stepdad today. My parents remained in the same town, and even though we lived with Mom, Dad came and picked us up to take us to school each morning. When Brian (my stepdad) entered the picture, I expected things to get tense or difficult because of everything I’d ever heard about stepfamilies. I also expected that because of my own insecurity; I figured one or both of them would be jealous and then things might get ugly.

UNEXPECTED RESULTS

Instead, the exact opposite happened: Dad and Brian became good friends. Dad was still welcome at Mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and so that became how we celebrated. Around the same table, a visitor would have seen my brother, my sister, myself, and Mom, Dad, and Brian; and a lot of years they’d have also seen Brian’s dad (who we affectionately called “Pops”) and my mom’s mother (Granny Bet).

I didn’t realize this was bizarre until I went to college. Until then, I didn’t know many people whose parents were divorced. In fact, when my parents split up, I remember having the conscious thought that, “I’ve just become a statistic.” Divorce wasn’t nearly as common, or at least it didn’t seem to be as common, in the 1990s as it seems to be today. So I didn’t have many situations to compare mine with until I was in college. It was there that I learned just how bizarre my Thanksgiving celebrations had been and how blessed our family was by them.

I remember one other important part of that time period, a conversation I had with my father after one of those Thanksgiving meals. I asked him if he was really as OK as he seemed with the whole situation. His answer was simple and profound. He said, “Son, since your mom and I divorced, it’s no longer my business who she spends her time with. As long as he is good to you, I don’t have any say in the matter, nor should I.”

That struck me as incredibly mature (almost beyond the comprehension of an incredibly immature and insecure teenager like I was), and as I’ve gotten older I have been more and more struck by the truth and power in that statement. Dad was showing me that he still loved me and cared for me, but he also was showing me that he respected Mom’s role to live her own life free of his interference. Mom and Dad backed up their words and demonstrated this on a daily basis, and Brian did the same: he never tried to replace Dad or push him out of the picture.

In another stunning example of maturity, Brian and Dad respected each other and even became friends. In fact, when Dad died in the summer of 2008, Brian was one of the men who spoke at my father’s memorial service. Both men were military veterans with a high sense of honor, duty, and respect, and I was blessed to have two amazing father-figures in my world from high school onward. This had an even more powerful effect on my life since I went through a divorce (with two daughters) about a decade ago.

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LESSONS LEARNED

There are many lessons to be learned from this, but I just want to share a few of them with you right now. First, ask yourself what kind of example you had growing up and if it’s an example you want to imitate and live up to, or if it’s the kind of example you want to avoid becoming yourself. When we know what we’re trying to accomplish (or avoid), we’re much more likely to find success.

Second, think about your relationship with your ex and his/her new partner. It’s not likely that we’re all going to become friends with our ex’s new partner. But there’s no reason why we can’t be respectful and kind and try to build a solid relationship. I know it can be difficult, and I know it won’t always be easy (or even successful), but the attempt to build a relationship with your ex’s new partner is about more than just that relationship: it’s about setting a good example for your children, even if you’re the only one doing it.

Third and finally, be willing to consider looking at things from the perspective of the other party. My best friend David is about 6’4” tall, and when we were teenagers he cracked his head on the pull-up bar I had screwed into my bedroom door frame. I only stand 5’3” tall, so it never occurred to me that it could be a hazard like that! This past weekend at our Friendsgiving celebration, David and his wife came. So, before they got there, I made sure to take down the pull-up bar that I have, in order to prevent him repeating the situation from many years ago. Then it occurred to me: I’ve never been a stepdad, so I don’t know what it’s like. Thus, it would be good for me to listen and learn and be willing to see things from a different perspective, especially one that is outside of my experience.

That is what Dad and Brian both did: dad was never a stepdad, and Brian never had any biological children. Instead, they worked together (along with Mom) to raise us well and to set a good example. They loved us differently and in complementary ways. They worked to get along, and they worked to encourage us in our school work, our athletics, and in our family lives as we all got older. And for me, it all began with those bizarre Thanksgiving meals.

This Christmas season, consider your family traditions: what example did you see, what relationship can you build on, and how willing are you to look at things from another person’s perspective? Whatever you’re going through, remember that you’re not alone, and we’re here to help.

RLL 69: Yard Work Makes the Family Work

Real Life Leading #69:

Yard Work Makes the Family Work

This weekend marked a large milestone for our younger daughter: I taught her how to cut the grass! We as a blended family believe that it’s important for our girls to learn to be self-sufficient, and as a result we work to teach them skills they will need when they live on their own: cooking, cleaning, yard work, study habits, responsibility, etc. And this weekend that meant it was time for our Lou to cut the grass. It was after she finished the yard that I saw the parallel with blended family life. In learning to cut the grass, the single most important thing to remember is that, if you work at it, it will get easier with time.

Between the grass Lou cut and our snowball bush, our yard is looking ready for spring!

In our blended family world (as well as in the blended lives of many of our friends), we have seen this to be true, and so I wanted to share this bit of encouragement with you this morning. Praise be to God for how well things are going in our world! And, for those of you struggling in your blended family situation, I’d like to share just a couple of major points about how we got here.

First, understand that any blended situation is going to take time before it can become comfortable and routine. Our lives were not always this way, and without a doubt situations will arise in the future that will test our patience. However, I can state that where we are now is miles from where we have been in the past. It has taken us a few years to get the hang of things like good communication, proper respect for distance and boundaries, and how to balance our desires with that of the other household. And if I’m being entirely honest, we still get it wrong sometimes. But in general, our blended family world is on an upward trajectory, and much of that is the result of patience from all involved.

Soon it’ll be time to eat on the patio again, enjoying the view and the smell of the grass!

Second, in order to work well together, we all have to consciously choose to put in the work. It’s not always easy, nor is it always fun (much like cutting the grass!), but when you do the work the results are almost always positive.

Hold your tongue when you want to respond harshly or with sarcasm, pray for the other household when you want to criticize, and show respect even when you strongly disagree. These type of actions are good not just because they build better relationships but also because they are the right thing to do: that is, you don’t just do them because they are good for the family, you do them because by doing these things you are allowing God to change your heart as well.

I am thankful to say that I have seen God continue to work in my heart year after year, and He does the most work when I get my own ego out of the way and simply try do to the right thing even when it’s hard. So that’s my encouragement to you today: do the right thing, even when it’s hard. And then, especially when everyone is putting in the time and the work, you’ll begin to see a difference in your own heart and in the hearts of those around you.

Action Step: This week, choose to show patience and respect even when you’d rather not. Make this a habit and enjoy the results!

RLL 67: Our Daughter Goes to a Dance

RLL 67: Our Daughter Goes to a Dance

This is probably the only picture in which we weren’t doing something ridiculous…which is an accurate representation of us as people as well.

I was on the phone with my best friend recently, and I related to him how my older daughter is now almost 15, she’s growing up, and she would be attending a school dance this weekend. He said, “Doesn’t that make you scared?” And I said, “Yes. All the time. Not a day passes without me praying for my kids. But I also can’t stop it, so we need to do the best we can to help her do well as she grows up.” (Full disclosure: I learned that from my parents and in-laws…I would have been OK trying to keep my kids as kids for many more years if it were solely up to me.)

After that conversation I started thinking about how we, as a large blended family, can help our kids to grow, develop, and learn as they mature. This week’s opportunity to do that was that our oldest child was going to be attending a dance. Because of that she and her stepmom (my wife) went dress shopping, then decided to alter a dress we already had, then asked my mother-in-law to do the alterations, and hey presto: a dress for a dance was made! In addition, our daughter asked if her mother could come over in the afternoon before the dance to help her with her hair. And this is where it could get sticky.

In the past, we’ve had many conversations among the adults in our blended family about “parent” things that we want to be involved in. We try hard not to step on each other’s toes or to unintentionally assume roles that would cause jealousy or resentment. So when Carly asked if her mom could help her with her hair, our immediate response was, “Of course!” We were reminded this week of two lessons that I wanted to share with you.

Carly was unimpressed with my attempt to pose the same way she was. I have no idea why; I nailed it!

1) We always want to encourage positive cooperation between both houses. This is true for a lot of reasons: logistics are complicated, people are busy, and cooperation is better than a lack of it. But more importantly, we want to cooperate also to set a good example for our kids. My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and they continued to work well together through the end of my father’s life; that made a powerful and lasting impression on me, and so we have tried to do the same thing in the lives of our children.

2) We want to encourage our kids to have strong relationships with everyone else in our blended family, not just ourselves. I want to have an amazingly strong relationship with each of my daughters, but not at the expense of their relationship with each other, their mom and stepdad, their stepmom, or their little brother. I want to encourage them in all of their familial relationships because then our family will be more harmonious in the long run. So if Carly wants her mom to be able to help her prepare for a big-deal event, we want to try to accommodate that as much as possible. When they tell stories about what their brother did when they were with their mom last week, we want to listen; not just out of politeness, but out of genuine interest and curiosity, to let them know we care.

This kind of moment makes all the rest of life worth it.

Carly’s mom came over and helped with her hair, my wife and other daughter went with Carly to do pre-dance pictures with her friends, and then Carly had an amazing time at the school’s dance. We had an excellent time all working together to love our kids. And for that, I’ll always be grateful. Is it easy to make things like this happen? Not at first, no. But the more often you do it, the easier it gets.

Action step: This week, look for ways to actively cooperate with the other household and for ways to encourage your children in having positive relationships with everyone else in both houses as well.