RLL 64: How to Handle Difficult Conversations in Blended Families

Real Life Leading 64: How to Handle Difficult Conversations in Blended Families

Do you remember being a teenager and getting into an argument with someone that you already didn’t like very much? Words got louder, the exchange got more and more heated, and as a result you both ended up saying angry and hurtful things. Sometimes the exchange may have gone even farther and resulted in a physical confrontation. Now, imagine that same scenario between two ex-spouses (without the physical altercation at the end): hurt feelings, loud voices, angry words, hurtful tones, and ultimately nothing getting accomplished or solved. Unfortunately, this situation is all too common in blended family situations. So, what’s the solution? Well, as with most things, the solution is to be found in Scripture.

Proverbs 15:1 tells us that, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Many of us have heard those words in our past, though perhaps we never fully realized how powerful they actually are. The solution to de-escalating a tense and anger-filled situation is often as simple as answering quietly and in humility. The volume, tone, and voice we use often send a more powerful message than the actual words we say. And when we remember that, we are more likely to get things accomplished.

When heading into a potentially difficult conversation within a blended family, it’s important to be clear on a few things ahead of time: 1) What is the purpose/goal of the conversation? Whatever that is, stick to it and keep the conversation relevant to that topic. 2) Genuinely seek out the best solution, even if it’s not the one that you have proposed. Do your best to keep your ego out of the equation. 3) Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Do that, even if the other person chooses not to.

Why are these so important to remember? Well, consider the alternative: the conversation gets heated, the original purpose gets lots, more hurtful words are said, and you end up worse of than before and without having solved anything. Instead, consciously choose to remain calm and respectful. “Well, you don’t know what they did!” or “You don’t know what they said!”, someone might say to me. You’re correct! I don’t know what your ex did or said, but I do know that you can still choose to be in control of your emotions and your response.

How do I know? Because I have learned, through failure before success, from experience and observation, that it is possible to keep your temper and ego in check regardless of what else is being said to or about you. I’ll be the first to admit (as I did just a moment ago) that I have also failed. But the principle remains true, even in our failure: “A soft answer turns away wrath.” When I have been able to remember that, the results have always been better. I’ve never once had a good conversation that involved heated words and loud voices. However, I have seen situations where a soft answer has helped calm things down and keep them on track. Is it easy? Certainly not! Is it worth it? Absolutely.

[Full disclosure: It would be easy to ‘read into this post’ things that I haven’t said. Please avoid the temptation to ‘read into it’ any implied or covert complaint or criticism about my ex-wife or her husband. None is intended; the post, like all others, is simply written from my first-hand perspective. Thank you!]

Action Step: This week, whenever you’re faced with a tough situation, pray for calm, for patience, and for the humility to be respectful even when it’s difficult. You won’t get it right every time, but when you do you’ll see that the results are much better.

RLL 63: Over-Communicate with All Adults Involved

Real Life Leading 63: Over-Communicate with All of the Adults

We all know what it’s like to be frustrated over a lack of communication: events get missed or are only found out about at the last minute; important items get left or forgotten at various locations; key information doesn’t get shared in a timely manner; and as a result, tensions increase and feelings of resentment abound. I have been guilty of poor communication resulting in all of the previously mentioned situations, and so I can speak from experience about the importance of good communication, especially in blended families.

Sign-language is not my preferred method of communication. But my daughter rocks at it, so I’m learning!

In our four-parent, two-household world, communication is the oil in the engine: without good communication, everything breaks down rather quickly. We have two daughters, a teenager and an almost teenager, both of whom have complex schedules due to school, sports, and friends. All four of the adults have busy schedules with work and taking care of the kids. Thus for us, communication is paramount. Like everyone else, we’re not perfect, but I can tell you that we’ve gotten pretty good about communicating with each other. I’ve found two keys from our situation that I want to share with you today.

First, choose a format that works for you, and then USE it.

The world we live in has faster, more reliable communication than humans could have imagined in the past (though Guglielmo Marconi might disagree, what with his inventing wireless radio over a hundred years ago and predicting even better wireless communication at the same time). There are an infinite number of social media options and apps, in addition to regular texts, phone calls, and emails, that allow people to stay in touch. Each one comes with pros and cons, so evaluate what works best.

For example, texting is what we use the most, supplemented by the occasional email or phone call. But text messages, as most people know, are notoriously difficult to interpret in terms of the tone (even if you use emojis). Thus, if you are texting, be sure to extend each other grace in the event of possible misinterpretation (for more info, see last week’s blog post: https://reallifeleading.com/real-life-leading-blog/923e9d98wdwyb8pg8ck2y2madxrlx2). The bottom line is this: you have to use the technology for it to work, so be sure to be consistent about your contact with all the other adults involved.

Second, when in doubt about whether or not to share something with the other adults, SHARE it. When in doubt, communicate.

I was very blessed to be able to share this information at the National Head Start Association conference in Florida just before Christmas

In my opinion and experience, it’s always better to over-communicate than to do the opposite. If I text my ex-wife and her husband about something that happened in our girls’ lives during their week at our house, and it’s not as big of a deal as I thought, that’s ok. They still know, and they genuinely appreciate me keeping them in the loop about our kids. The same works in reverse: when something happens that even might be a bit deal, I like to know about it, and so I appreciate it when they let me know as soon as possible.

The biggest danger here is the danger of texting (or emailing, or whatever you choose) too often. That is a concern, but I’d argue it’s worth the risk, generally speaking. Why? Well, consider the alternative for a moment: the kids are struggling at school, or one of them is very upset about an issue with a friend, and that issue carries over to the other household the next week. Now, the other parents are blind-sided by the issue when they could have already been in the loop and thus better prepared to help the children out or at least to encourage them in a difficult spot. Again, I think it’s worth the risk, especially if all the adults involved are of the same mindset about over-communication (which, funnily enough, is also a conversation worth having!).

Action Step: talk with the other adults involved in your blended family, and figure out the preferred method of communication. Then, start to use it more regularly.

RLL 62: Choose to Believe the Best

Real Life Leading 62:

Choose to Believe the Best in Blended Families

We’ve all had situations in which we’ve been misunderstood: you say one thing, but the message somehow got lost, and the reaction you got was not at all what you expected or intended. This is true in traditional nuclear families, it’s true in friendships and dating relationships, and it’s exceedingly true in blended families. The reason is because so much of our communication is non-verbal. In fact, according to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, only 7% of what we communicate comes through the actual words we use. Now, even if his number is low and the actual percentage of verbal communication is 5x that high, that still means that only about a third of what we communicate comes through our words.

Why is this important in blended families (and other relationships)? Because once we’re aware of it, we can do something that is extremely important and powerful:

Whenever there is doubt about the message being communicated, we can choose to believe the best possible interpretation of the message.

Speaking at the NHSA Conference about Blended Family Life was a great honor!

Don’t miss the import here: we can choose to believe in the best interpretation of the words. That means we have tremendous control over how we interpret messages, and thus how we respond to them. We don’t have to get offended or angry. We don’t have to assume the other party is trying to hurt us or make us upset.

Think of the last time you had a misunderstanding: how long did it take to clear it up, and how much extra effort was it? Now, imagine how differently that might have gone if each party had shown grace and understanding, choosing to believe the best. How might that look?

One suggestion to clear up miscommunications would be to simply ask (in a kind tone of voice) for clarification. Another would be to say something like, “I’m not sure I’m entirely following, and I want to make sure I understand you correctly.” However you phrase it, show that your intent is to receive the message as it was intended, giving the other person a chance to clear up any misunderstandings.

Will this always clear up every communication issue? Of course not. But, if you make it a habit to choose to believe the best, I can guarantee one thing: you will feel better about your interactions. I can also almost (though not 100%) guarantee one other thing: over the long-term, this will pay dividends in your relationship with the other adults involved. When they see you consistently showing them grace, trying to understand, and looking to be helpful instead of hurtful, they are more likely to respond in kind. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually. Remember, though, that the point is not to change them; the point is to change yourself. Whether the other party ever does respond well or not, you’ll find that you will be more patient, kinder, and more willing to think positively about others. This is the goal.

Also, ask yourself this question, which takes us back to the Golden Rule of our childhood: how would you want them to respond to you? Don’t we want people to believe the best about our intentions and actions, rather than assuming malicious or harmful intent? Then begin by showing that type of grace to others, and see where it takes you.

Action Step: This week, believe the best in all of your blended family interactions, and see how it transforms you and your heart toward the other adults involved.

For more info on this and other blended family topics, come visit me at https://reallifeleading.com/blended-families/