RLL 66: Blended Family Birthday Party

RLL 66: Blended Family Birthday Party

The birthday Lou at a local Mexican restaurant, celebrating in style!

This past week, our blended family experienced a giant win! Our youngest daughter turned 12 years old, and we had a wonderful birthday party for her, with all the parents and siblings and three grandparents all in attendance at a local restaurant. We were there for about an hour and a half, and we all had a great time together. There was laughter, storytelling, singing, celebrating, cards, cake, and great fellowship. It was a wonderful example and reminder of how positive and uplifting blended family life can be. Having said that, it wasn’t always this way, and so I’d like to share with you a few thoughts on how we’ve been able to work together to bring about such inspiring situations.

First, understand that it takes patience and time. We’ve celebrated many birthdays for our girls together, and we’ve always tried to have them be positive and happy times for the kids. I think we’ve been mostly successful overall, though this one was noticeably more uplifting than some of them have been. It’s taken a few years for us all to be as comfortable as we are now, and it was enjoyable to see my ex-wife having a great laugh with my wife’s parents; just as it was fun for my girls’ stepdad and I to have a good time talking over dinner as well. We all also enjoyed the “kabloon” (read: balloon) antics of their young son throughout the meal. So, first: be patient because it’ll take time.

The birthday Lou after being serenaded by the excellent wait staff

Second, we have found that having birthday parties in a neutral location often works better than having them at one or the other family’s house. We have tried it both ways, and though the house-based parties have been fun, they also have been somewhat more subdued (at least for the parents) in some ways, probably because it just feels territorial. But the party at the restaurant this year, pool parties at a local swim club and skating parties at a local rink in the past; all of these have gone very well. It seems that it’s just easier for everyone involved to feel more at ease when the location is on neutral ground.

Third, it will take practice. Our first few efforts at having parties together went very well for the kids and the adults, though again there was a lot of tension. I give my wife and ex-wife a lot of credit, because they are the two most involved in planning these events, and they have always tried to work well together in terms of preparations, decorations, and distribution of tasks. The more we’ve done these joint events, the better they seem to go. Also, don’t believe the old saying that practice makes perfect. It doesn’t. Rather, practice makes permanent. So establish good basic habits while also being willing to experiment to see what works best for your family: weeknight or weekend, shorter or longer party, passive party (restaurant) vs. active party (skating, dancing, etc.), friends involved or just family, etc. There are a million different ways to celebrate your kids. The most important thing is to work together to make sure they know that ALL of their parents love them.

The birthday Lou with her little brother and one of her grandfathers

As a final thought: it’s also very important to make sure that everyone knows it’s not a competition. We purposely didn’t do gift exchanges at the party (we did cards, and the grandparents brought gifts) from the parents; these were done at home. This way, it doesn’t even have the appearance of either set of parents trying to out-gift the other set. Rather, the focus was on celebrating our daughter and making her feel extra-loved and appreciated.

How did we do? Well, you be the judge: at the end of the meal, the birthday girl came and sat on my lap for a minute and said, “Dad, I’m so thankful that we can all do this and celebrate together. It was great to see all of you talking and laughing, and I’m grateful it can just be fun and happy and enjoyable. I know that you all love me, and I’m glad you could all be here.” I count that as a major win!

Action Step: This week, begin thinking about whatever your next celebration is, and reach out to the other household to see how you can work together to make it special for the kids.

The birthday Lou with her Poppa and G

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

RLL 65--Carly At Carnegie: Blending Reminders from New York City

Carly’s mom, Carly, and me, after her performance: VERY PROUD of her!

Last weekend, our family was extremely blessed to get to have our older daughter perform with the Honors Performance Series choir at Carnegie Hall in New York City! It was an incredible experience, a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we’re so grateful to everyone who helped make it possible. From people who donated funds to people who gave us traveling tips to those who prayed for us, we give a loud and hearty THANK YOU to you all! In addition to having such an amazing trip, I was reminded of a few important aspects to blended family life that I wanted to share.

Carly’s stoic face before her performance

Carly and her friends celebrating after their performance. LOVE how well she makes friends and how much fun they had together.

1. Co-parenting requires extra communication and patience when it’s on the road. Carly and her mom went to New York City a few days earlier than I did because Carly had rehearsals for the performance. The events of the program were all over the city and included rehearsals, tours, tourist events, celebrations, and the actual performance. Parents were only allowed at certain events, and were not allowed at others, and Carly’s mom and I took turns being at some of the parent events. Most importantly, in order to make sure Carly was where she needed to be, there had to be near-constant communication between Carly, her mom, and me. I’m very thankful to say this worked out quite well for Carly and for us, thanks to a healthy dose of communication and patience with each other.

2. Put the kids’ needs first, and act like adults toward each other. By the time I joined Carly and her mom, they already had a pretty good routine and schedule worked out, and they were gracious in terms of letting me then join and become a part of it. The whole purpose of the trip was Carly’s performance, so the rehearsals were the number one priority. Outside of those though, Carly’s mom and I had a different set of priorities for our free time (i.e., we wanted to see different things in NYC). So, what did we do? We checked with each other to make sure that between the two of us we knew where/when Carly needed to be, and then we were able to still do the things we wanted as well. As before, this required understanding and communication, and I’m grateful that we were able to do all the things we wanted to and, most importantly, get Carly to where she needed to be.

3. Celebrate the victories. Carly’s choir and the whole event were amazing. The kids were incredibly talented, the directors were top-notch, and the entire program was well-run. The most incredible thing was seeing our daughter on-stage performing at a world-famous venue and then getting to celebrate with her afterward. She made new friends, had an exciting and exhausting (in a good way) time, and it’s something she will remember forever. So, how did we celebrate? By being there with her and encouraging her and telling her how insanely proud of her we are. We took pictures and posted them all over social media, and we tagged each other to make sure no one missed any of the pictures. We spoke with family and friends, and we made sure that Carly knew she was the centerpiece of this event and celebration. And it was spectacular.

4. Bonus: Show gratitude to everyone who makes great family moments possible, especially the spouses and other family who weren’t able to make it. Truth be told, we would have loved to have taken our entire blended family to New York( mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and the other children), but it just wasn’t financially or logistically possible due to cost and work schedules and life. So, what to do? The answer is to make sure we express our gratitude to everyone for their contributions. I know Carly was great about sending thank you letters to donors who helped pay for the trip, and I knew we did the same as well. But I also want to extend a special thank you to the girls’ stepparents for being understanding, for being trusting, and for taking care of the other children (and our pups!) while we were in New York City. I know they would have loved to have seen Carly’s performance first-hand, and Carly knows it too. Yet, though it wasn’t possible, their support wasn’t any less than ours. THANK YOU for that, and I pray that I can be that supportive in the future.

Action step: This week, ask yourself how you can support your spouse and the other branch of your blended family, whether through prayer or through offering to help with logistics or scheduling. Show patience and understanding, and be sure to celebrate the victories.

RLL 64: How to Handle Difficult Conversations in Blended Families

Real Life Leading 64: How to Handle Difficult Conversations in Blended Families

Do you remember being a teenager and getting into an argument with someone that you already didn’t like very much? Words got louder, the exchange got more and more heated, and as a result you both ended up saying angry and hurtful things. Sometimes the exchange may have gone even farther and resulted in a physical confrontation. Now, imagine that same scenario between two ex-spouses (without the physical altercation at the end): hurt feelings, loud voices, angry words, hurtful tones, and ultimately nothing getting accomplished or solved. Unfortunately, this situation is all too common in blended family situations. So, what’s the solution? Well, as with most things, the solution is to be found in Scripture.

Proverbs 15:1 tells us that, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Many of us have heard those words in our past, though perhaps we never fully realized how powerful they actually are. The solution to de-escalating a tense and anger-filled situation is often as simple as answering quietly and in humility. The volume, tone, and voice we use often send a more powerful message than the actual words we say. And when we remember that, we are more likely to get things accomplished.

When heading into a potentially difficult conversation within a blended family, it’s important to be clear on a few things ahead of time: 1) What is the purpose/goal of the conversation? Whatever that is, stick to it and keep the conversation relevant to that topic. 2) Genuinely seek out the best solution, even if it’s not the one that you have proposed. Do your best to keep your ego out of the equation. 3) Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Do that, even if the other person chooses not to.

Why are these so important to remember? Well, consider the alternative: the conversation gets heated, the original purpose gets lots, more hurtful words are said, and you end up worse of than before and without having solved anything. Instead, consciously choose to remain calm and respectful. “Well, you don’t know what they did!” or “You don’t know what they said!”, someone might say to me. You’re correct! I don’t know what your ex did or said, but I do know that you can still choose to be in control of your emotions and your response.

How do I know? Because I have learned, through failure before success, from experience and observation, that it is possible to keep your temper and ego in check regardless of what else is being said to or about you. I’ll be the first to admit (as I did just a moment ago) that I have also failed. But the principle remains true, even in our failure: “A soft answer turns away wrath.” When I have been able to remember that, the results have always been better. I’ve never once had a good conversation that involved heated words and loud voices. However, I have seen situations where a soft answer has helped calm things down and keep them on track. Is it easy? Certainly not! Is it worth it? Absolutely.

[Full disclosure: It would be easy to ‘read into this post’ things that I haven’t said. Please avoid the temptation to ‘read into it’ any implied or covert complaint or criticism about my ex-wife or her husband. None is intended; the post, like all others, is simply written from my first-hand perspective. Thank you!]

Action Step: This week, whenever you’re faced with a tough situation, pray for calm, for patience, and for the humility to be respectful even when it’s difficult. You won’t get it right every time, but when you do you’ll see that the results are much better.