RLL 63: Over-Communicate with All Adults Involved

Real Life Leading 63: Over-Communicate with All of the Adults

We all know what it’s like to be frustrated over a lack of communication: events get missed or are only found out about at the last minute; important items get left or forgotten at various locations; key information doesn’t get shared in a timely manner; and as a result, tensions increase and feelings of resentment abound. I have been guilty of poor communication resulting in all of the previously mentioned situations, and so I can speak from experience about the importance of good communication, especially in blended families.

Sign-language is not my preferred method of communication. But my daughter rocks at it, so I’m learning!

In our four-parent, two-household world, communication is the oil in the engine: without good communication, everything breaks down rather quickly. We have two daughters, a teenager and an almost teenager, both of whom have complex schedules due to school, sports, and friends. All four of the adults have busy schedules with work and taking care of the kids. Thus for us, communication is paramount. Like everyone else, we’re not perfect, but I can tell you that we’ve gotten pretty good about communicating with each other. I’ve found two keys from our situation that I want to share with you today.

First, choose a format that works for you, and then USE it.

The world we live in has faster, more reliable communication than humans could have imagined in the past (though Guglielmo Marconi might disagree, what with his inventing wireless radio over a hundred years ago and predicting even better wireless communication at the same time). There are an infinite number of social media options and apps, in addition to regular texts, phone calls, and emails, that allow people to stay in touch. Each one comes with pros and cons, so evaluate what works best.

For example, texting is what we use the most, supplemented by the occasional email or phone call. But text messages, as most people know, are notoriously difficult to interpret in terms of the tone (even if you use emojis). Thus, if you are texting, be sure to extend each other grace in the event of possible misinterpretation (for more info, see last week’s blog post: https://reallifeleading.com/real-life-leading-blog/923e9d98wdwyb8pg8ck2y2madxrlx2). The bottom line is this: you have to use the technology for it to work, so be sure to be consistent about your contact with all the other adults involved.

Second, when in doubt about whether or not to share something with the other adults, SHARE it. When in doubt, communicate.

I was very blessed to be able to share this information at the National Head Start Association conference in Florida just before Christmas

In my opinion and experience, it’s always better to over-communicate than to do the opposite. If I text my ex-wife and her husband about something that happened in our girls’ lives during their week at our house, and it’s not as big of a deal as I thought, that’s ok. They still know, and they genuinely appreciate me keeping them in the loop about our kids. The same works in reverse: when something happens that even might be a bit deal, I like to know about it, and so I appreciate it when they let me know as soon as possible.

The biggest danger here is the danger of texting (or emailing, or whatever you choose) too often. That is a concern, but I’d argue it’s worth the risk, generally speaking. Why? Well, consider the alternative for a moment: the kids are struggling at school, or one of them is very upset about an issue with a friend, and that issue carries over to the other household the next week. Now, the other parents are blind-sided by the issue when they could have already been in the loop and thus better prepared to help the children out or at least to encourage them in a difficult spot. Again, I think it’s worth the risk, especially if all the adults involved are of the same mindset about over-communication (which, funnily enough, is also a conversation worth having!).

Action Step: talk with the other adults involved in your blended family, and figure out the preferred method of communication. Then, start to use it more regularly.

RLL 61: Two Difficulties of Being a Step-parent

RLL 61: Two Difficulties of Being a Step-Parent

[Full disclosure: I am not a step-parent. However, I’m married to one, and all of the information here comes from my discussion with her and with other step-parents (including my girls’ step-dad) over the past few years. I’m grateful for the work, the effort, and the energy my wife, my ex-wife, and my girls’ step-dad put into helping raise our girls. None of us could do it alone; thankfully, we don’t have to.]

Maryellyn and Carly celebrating Carly’s birthday on the water

Step-parenting is difficult, one of the most difficult tasks in the world. Why? Well, lots of reasons, many of which people who aren’t involved in it wouldn’t have ever thought about. I know that it was eye-opening for me to have conversations with step-parents because there are various issues or difficulties about step-parenting that simply wouldn’t have occurred to me as the biological parent in the situation. Today, I want to mention just two quick thoughts on what it’s like for step-parents and also on how other people can help encourage them.

1. Step-parents are often given all of the same responsibilities of a biological parent, without the same title, without the guarantee of the positives of parenting (respect, love, even kindness), and without the same level of authority. This is an aspect I had never considered, but when it was pointed out to me, it blew me away. God bless every step-parent in the world for taking on such a difficult and monumental task. As a biological parent, one thing I can do is to set an example to my kids in respecting, loving, and showing kindness to their step-parents simply by doing those things…and not just to my spouse. How can I help make sure that our daughters show their step-dad respect? By being respectful to him myself and by encouraging them to do the same. This also helps me to have a better relationship with him, allowing us to cooperate instead of compete. I learned this lesson from my wife, who along with my ex-wife, has done a great job of working together to help raise our girls.

Another way to help encourage step-parents here is to verbally acknowledge all of the many difficult tasks that step-parents take on. Tell them thank you, and mean it. Show true appreciation for the work they do, the hours they spend helping raise the kids, and the efforts they make to have good relationships with the children.

Maryellyn and the girls sharing the couch and a blanket on Christmas morning

2. From society, there is often a lack of sympathy and understanding for the stepparents. From those who haven’t experienced it, there is even a lack of recognition of the difficulties of step-parenting. Think of the way step-parents have been portrayed in literature and movies. Very rarely is it positive, and for most of us our first experience with any step-parent was the evil stepmother in Cinderella. On the upside, that is beginning to change somewhat, as step-parenting becomes more common. But here’s where the big gap still exists: almost universally, when you announce to the world that you are or are becoming a parent, people are happy and excited and encouraging.

When you tell people that you’re a stepparent, there’s a noticeably different response, though people often try to hide it. Sometimes it’s judgment, sometimes it’s disapproval, sometimes it’s other things, but very rarely are step-parents responded to in the same way. As a biological parent, what I can do then is to consistently remind both my spouse and other step-parents of how important their task is, how much they are appreciated, and how I support them in helping raise their children.

Ok, there’s two quick thoughts on the difficulties of being a step-parent. Again, God bless you all for your love and for the way you help raise your children!

I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses, as well as other suggestions on how to help encourage step-parents. Thanks!

Action Step: This week, be sure to encourage and thank a step-parent for their effort and energy on behalf of a family you know.