RLL 51: What's Your Story?

Real Life Leading #51: What’s Your Story?

A gift I received after coaching my younger daughter’s soccer team this fall.

When I was in 8th grade, I played varsity soccer for a man named Ken McIntosh, and at the end of the season Coach Mac said to me, "You really should think about pursuing soccer as a career." I thought he meant as a professional player, so I really focused on soccer in high school and even played in college. But when I stopped playing midway through college, Coach Mac's words came back to me. I realized he was right: I should pursue soccer as a career, but not as a player; as a coach. I began as a student assistant at Covenant College while I was still a student there, and I've been coaching ever since (a total of 15 + years now).

Coaching soccer has opened up doors I never imagined, from jobs at high schools to getting to coach at camps at Duke University. It's allowed me to work with athletes and players from all areas of the country and of all different ages. And it's also continued to bring me a specific type of joy that I don't find anywhere else. Most importantly, coaching soccer has allowed me to spend many extra hours with my children, coaching them at different levels.

Why do I share this? Because that one comment changed my life, and the stories and comments that you remember and focus on have the power to change yours too. Stories can serve many purposes: transmit information (‘how to’ stories), stir the emotions (every Nicholas Sparks and John Green novel ever written), rally support to a cause (Upton Sinclair’s book The Jungle was written with this in mind), create an identity (think family histories told around the dinner table), and to reinforce beliefs (every religion in the world has sacred texts full of stories and history). But for our purposes, the power of a story is in its power to change your life.

Here’s the key today: the stories we tell ourselves shape who we become.

Many books have been written on this topic, from the Dr. Norman Vincent Peale’s classic The Power of Positive Thinking to the more recent Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan. Going back even further, the Bible is very clear about this in many different places. Philippians 4:8 reminds us, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, knew that how we think, the stories we tell, what we focus on, has an incredible impact on who we are and what we do.

So the question is, what stories are we telling? Do you tell yourself you’re not smart enough? Not good enough? Don’t have the right skills? Or do you tell yourself that you can, you’re capable, and you will succeed? As Henry Ford said many years ago, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” This has been true throughout all of history, and it remains true today. If you want to change your world, you first need to start by changing your thinking.

To help people think better and change their lives is the major goal of the BeliefHacker project, recently created by a friend of mine named Dr. Bill Findley (this is not an advertisement, and I don’t get compensated, but I would recommend you check out his work at www.beliefhacker.com). The premise is simple: “Think better. Live better.” Again, the Bible is also very clear on this when Paul writes, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2)

My favorite story of all time is The Lord of the Rings. I never tire of reading it or of reading other books about it; I even listen to podcasts and belong to discussion groups devoted to LOTR. The reason is because that story is so powerful to me, with themes of good vs. evil, the possibility of redemption, the necessity of perseverance even against overwhelming odds. I even quoted LOTR in my own book. This story has helped shape who I am, just as the stories you involve yourself in help shape who you are.

One last word, this from the excellent and generous Dondi Scumaci (international business speaker and consultant, and author of Career Moves, and Ready, Set…Grow). She says, “It’s how we tell the story (to ourselves and others) that will ultimately determine how we move forward. How we frame those events—what we pull from those experiences—will shape who we become in the future.”

Action Step: Take a few minutes today to write down the stories that you consistently tell yourself and determine if they are helping you move forward or just holding you back.

RLL 50: Are You Tough Enough To Be Kind?

Real Life Leading #50

Are You Tough Enough To Be Kind?

Sometimes kindness is driving a few hundred miles to help a friend who is far from home and dealing with new children. And sometimes that kindness results in the reward of getting to hold the baby!

It’s no secret to those that know me that I’m a huge fan of the Irish rock band U2: my older brother and my soccer coach introduced me to their music when I was in high school and college, and I haven’t stopped listening to them since. Their most recent album has a song called ‘13 (There Is A Light)’ which contains one of my now-favorite lines, and it’s the theme for today’s post: “Are you tough enough to be kind?” We don’t normally associate toughness and kindness, but we should. Let’s talk about why.

Sometimes kindness is as simple as helping your grandmother take your great-grandmother grocery shopping.

First, the Bible commands us to be kind in many different places, and when it does, the kindness is often associated with love and with forgiveness. For example, Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” We’re commanded to be kind and forgive, but forgiveness is difficult: it takes courage and a willingness to be hurt again due to our tender-hearted nature. This is where the toughness comes in.

Second, ‘tough’ doesn’t mean only an ability to fight back; often it means having the inner courage to simply walk away. As I tell my high school students: any toddler can pitch a fit, any child can throw a punch, any animal can fight back on instinct. It takes a reasoning mind and mature control of one’s emotions to be tough enough to be kind, to turn the other cheek and walk away.

Being ‘tough’ also means having the courage to stand up for what is right, to help those who are oppressed or marginalized, and to say things that may be difficult to hear. Earlier in Ephesians 4 (the chapter quoted above), Paul writes that we are to “speak the truth in love,” which means that we don’t shy away from difficult conversations: it just means we have them gently, with a tender heart, being concerned for the other person’s well-being. Now, don’t mistake ‘nice’, which might be unwilling to have tough conversations out of a desire to spare someone else’s feelings, with ‘kindness’, which would have the conversation in the most loving way possible. In the long run, having the hard conversation is the loving, kind thing to do, even if it’s difficult in that moment.

Sometimes kindness is not being “too cool” to hug your dad in front of your friends when he comes to have lunch with you on his off-day.

A good friend of mine named Phil Taylor recently said that, “Kindness is the practical outworking of love,” and I haven’t ever found it said any better than that. When we are kind, we are showing love to others. We are reflecting Christ’s love for us to the world around us, and we are thus drawing others closer to Jesus as well. This is not a new concept, nor is it one specific to Christianity. Many of us grew up listening to and reading Aesop’s Fables, one of the most famous of which is ‘The Lion and the Mouse’. In that story, in which a tiny mouse was once shown kindness by a lion only to repay it later despite the lion’s earlier condescension, there is a wonderful reminder about kindness. Aesop wrote, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

In our world today which is broken and strained by anger and hatred and strife, kindness is revolutionary. Kindness is powerful. Kindness can change the world. And no act of kindness, however small, will ever be wasted. So today, show kindness to others; be tough enough to be kind. Because even if you think your kindness was unappreciated, you can be sure that it was not wasted.

“Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor.” - Proverbs 21:21 (ESV)

If you’d like to learn more about how kindness can change the world, be sure to email me or follow me on social media. I’ll be sending out updates and also making some pretty big announcements about upcoming events where you can learn more!

Action Step: Today, commit to doing at least two acts of kindness during your day: one to a loved one, and one to a stranger. If they ask why, just tell them you’re being kind and ask them to pass it on.

RLL 49: What We Learned During A Power-Outage

RLL 49: What We Learned During A Power-Outage

This past Sunday we had the rare experience of living in our home without power for almost a whole day. That morning someone in our neighborhood ran into and knocked down a power pole, so our whole area was without electricity from before noon until almost 9pm. During that time, we had some fun and I was reminded of three important lessons that I wanted to share with you.

1) It’s GOOD to unplug for a while. I know we all know this, but sometimes we need to be reminded of just how beneficial it is for us to disconnect from all of our electronics for a while. It’s good for us not just for its own sake but also for the opportunities it presents. For my wife and I, instead of watching soccer online (me) or doing some work for her job (my wife), we decided to go and play a dice game on our back patio, a game we got at her family’s reunion. We had a great time, enjoyed the fresh air and cooler temperatures, and were able to reconnect in a way that we wouldn’t have done if we’d been in front of our various screens.

2) It’s an opportunity for patience and understanding. Even though the power was out, life still had to happen, so that meant we needed to do things differently; and in our power-free world that evening, it also meant doing things more slowly. My daughter had lots of make-up homework to do, so we got her set up at the kitchen table doing work by a combination of candlelight and flashlight. For me, instead of typing or doing video work, I simply read a book on leadership that I hadn’t made much time for lately. It was an excellent chance for both of us to see that we can still get our tasks accomplished, even if we had to do them differently than we might have otherwise.

3) It’s an opportunity for creativity and family time. Again, with electronics off the table, we had a chance to do many other things: while my older daughter and I were catching up on missed work, my younger daughter spent even more time than usual reading. In addition to that, she and my wife spent extra time working on their performance for an upcoming talent show, and then my wife spent more time playing her ukulele. All in all, we had a wonderful time being in the same place, interacting in ways we wouldn’t have done if we’d had power.

There are three quick things I learned from our power outage, and they’ve inspired me to do a better job of turning off our screens even if the power is still on. I hope they encourage you along the same lines. There is something powerful and inspiring to me about working and living by candlelight, even if it’s only every once in a while; perhaps it’s the same with you.

Action Plan: This week, consciously plan out time to turn off the electronics and spend more time interacting and being creative with the people in your world. You’ll all be thankful you did.