RLL 34--Inverted Leadership (part 3 of 4)

RLL 34--Inverted Leadership (part 3 of 4)

From Chapter 5 ('Stealing a Seat or Tripping a Traveler: Intentions vs. Outcomes') and Chapter 6 ('Selling History to High School Students: Lead Through Learning--What Does That Look Like?')

Greetings again, everyone, and welcome to the latest Real Life Leading blog update! This week's update features sneak peaks from the next two chapters of my upcoming book Inverted Leadership: Lead Others Better By Forgetting About Yourself.

From Chapter 5:

In studying the Bible closely, we see that both our actions as well as our motives or intentions are of utmost importance. With Jesus, it was not just about giving Himself up for us; it was about doing it because it was God’s will. We see this in how He prays aloud on multiple occasions, even stating that the reason for the prayer is so that others might know better what Jesus was doing. And as with all of the leadership principles in this book, there is an element of ‘both-and’ at play: in this chapter, we want to look at how focusing on intentions or outcomes changes our leadership and how we relate to others.

Part I: Is It The Thought That Counts, Or Is The Road To Hell Paved With Good Intentions?

In the Middle Ages, the most powerful institution in Europe was the Roman Catholic Church. The church was the largest landowner, the local priests were involved in the people’s lives from birth until death, the church was responsible for helping the poor and caring for the sick, and the church also was seen as having power over the most important aspect of a person: his or her eternal soul. Thus, in the centuries before the Protestant Reformation, the Roman Catholic Church believed that part of its job was to make sure that church doctrine was taught accurately and without any dissent or disagreement to the people of Europe and beyond.

C.S. Lewis, teacher, author, apologist

Despite much of the good that the church did--and there was a lot of good that the Medieval church did--this desire to stamp out any heresy (any beliefs or statements that went against official church teachings) led to many abuses, most notably by the Spanish Inquisition. The Inquisition was a type of church court established in the 15th century by Ferdinand of Aragon and Isabella of Castile, the same ruling couple that sponsored Columbus’s first voyage in 1492. The purpose of the Inquisition was to stamp out heresy, and in order to do that, the leaders often resorted to torture in order to get people to confess to various heretical acts and statements.

Estimates about how many people were killed by the Inquisition vary widely, but at a minimum the number is in the thousands. Now, I believe that a commitment to teaching true doctrine is a good thing, just as teaching accurate history is a good thing. However, I also believe that the Inquisition may be the world’s greatest example of something that was begun with a good motive but which also led to highly negative unintended consequences. The motives and the intentions were good, but judging through the lens of history, the results were negative.

In a somewhat different context, C.S. Lewis talks about how our motives and our intentions matter as much or even more than our actions and the outcomes that result from them. In Mere Christianity, Lewis talks about how if we were traveling on a train and we stepped away from our seat for a moment, if another person took our seat innocently unaware that the seat was claimed already, we are unlikely to be angry at the other traveler except for possibly a moment’s annoyance. When our good sense kicks in, we realize they probably were unaware that we had been sitting there, and thus though we are inconvenienced, we are not really angry about it. It is a simple case of a misunderstanding.

This is then contrasted with someone who, while walking down a hallway, purposely though unsuccessfully puts out a leg to trip us. In this situation, even though the person trying to trip us was unsuccessful, we are going to be rightfully angry or irritated at them for their intent to harm us, even when we did not suffer any real consequences. I have always found this to be a very telling illustration since, in one situation we suffered a very real negative consequence, while in the other situation nothing bad actually happened to us. However, we are angry in the second case and not in the first. This is because of the intention of the person in the second situation contrasted with the innocent mistake of the first.

We see this everyday in a variety of contexts, especially when we are in leadership roles. That is, we see some people make innocent mistakes that we often are not angry about even if they have large consequences. We also see people who, through conscious neglect or lack of care, cause situations that could have become catastrophes. Even if the catastrophe is averted, the leader is often much more frustrated with the person who made a conscious bad decision than with the person whose mistake was much more innocent. Thus, this chapter will be showing how intentions matter but good intentions alone are not enough and also about how outcomes matter but not more than people and relationships. Therefore as a leader, it is our job to find the balance between those things and, as in all cases, to err on the side of serving others and preserving relationships as much as possible.

From Chapter 6: 

'Calvin and Hobbes' by Bill Watterson

As Christian leaders, we must constantly be seeking out deeper and fuller knowledge of God through studying His Word. We should also be focused on learning how to become better leaders in the various roles we will fulfill throughout our lifetimes. Sometimes this is done formally, as in a college or high school, and sometimes this is done informally, as in a small group or through independent reading. But however it is pursued, we must constantly be seeking out more and more knowledge. As C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity, “God is no fonder of intellectual slackers than of any other slackers. If you are thinking of becoming a Christian, I warn you, you are embarking on something which is going to take the whole of you, brains and all.” As Christian leaders, we must engage our hearts and our minds as we pursue Godly leadership in our lives.

There are two main reasons that leaders must continually be staying up to date and informed about new techniques, procedures, and philosophies in our particular areas of involvement, while also remaining true to our foundational principles and beliefs. For me, that means paying attention to how education and soccer coaching are changing and evolving both in the classroom and outside of it. Your areas of involvement may be drastically different, but the key component is the same: leaders must be learners, and we must always be looking for ways to continue educating ourselves and learning more about our chosen fields. Education is extremely important even though that may not mean a formal, classroom-style education.

The second reason this is important  is that Golden Rule revisited: lead how you want to be led.  Most of us want to be led by someone who is constantly learning and growing rather than being led by someone who simply refuses to learn due to pride or laziness. Remember the great quote from Coach John Wooden: “When you’re through learning, you’re through.” So let's explore this idea of leaders as learners.

RLL 33--Inverted Leadership (part 2 of 4)

RLL 33--Inverted Leadership (part 2 of 4)

From chapter 3 (Impact or Success?) and chapter 4 (Results or Relationships?)

Hello again, everyone, and welcome to another Real Life Leading blog post! This week I'll be sharing excerpts from the next to chapters of my upcoming book Inverted Leadership: Lead Others Better By Forgetting About Yourself!

Chapter 3 is called The Virgin Queen and the Little Corsican: Impact or Success? 

In leadership, one of the key components that must be discussed is this: what is the purpose of your organization or group? Is it to achieve success, however that may be defined? Or is it to make an impact on those around you? As Christians, we must recognize this distinction between success and impact as of crucial importance to our leadership. Our role in the world is to further the ends of Christ’s kingdom, and we begin by recognizing that this may not involve ‘success’ as defined by the world, but it will certainly involve making an impact on those around us for the Gospel.

Queen Elizabeth I of England, also known as Elizabeth Tudor and as 'The Virgin Queen' (image from englishhistory.net, accessed on 5/27/18 at 6:51am)

Queen Elizabeth I of England is known as the Virgin Queen because in a historical age dominated by men, especially male monarchs, she ruled England for over half a century, unwed. In fact, our state of Virginia is named for her, since the first attempt at English colonization there occurred during her reign--the Lost Colony of Roanoke, founded in 1587. Her reign in England is known as a time of political stability and a time when religious tolerance and peace was finally achieved after decades of bloodshed caused by the Protestant Reformation and the tumultuous reigns of King Henry VIII, his son Edward, and Elizabeth’s older half-sister, the infamous Bloody Mary. Queen Elizabeth is known for surviving around two dozen assassination attempts, mainly believed to have been instigated by the Catholic rulers of Spain and the Vatican, and she is also known for establishing England as the dominant Protestant power in Europe.

Thus, Queen Elizabeth I is an amazing example of a successful leader by any measurement, leading England for over fifty years while providing political stability, religious freedom, territorial expansion, and economic growth. And if all of that was not enough, a quick study of her life will also show you that in addition to being an amazingly successful leader, Elizabeth I was also rather eloquent. So, why is it that most people have not heard of or ever bothered to study her life? Is it perhaps that because, though she was successful, the direct impact of her rule is either less than we would expect or simply underappreciated?

Portrait of Napoleon by Jacques-Louis-David - 'The Emperor Napoleon In His Study At the Tuileries' (wikipedia--accessed 5/27/18 at 6:47am)

Let’s take another example: Napoleon Bonaparte, the Little Corsican who rose to power in France due to the French Revolution. Napoleon Bonaparte is the second most written about historical figure in world history, ranking only behind Jesus. Napoleon was originally from a family of minor nobility living on the island of Corsica--this, combined with his diminutive stature earned him the less-than-flattering nickname of “The Little Corsican”. He was able to go to a French military academy on scholarship, and due to the outbreak of the French Revolution in 1789, he was able to quickly rise through the ranks of the French army, becoming a general in his early 20s. In 1799 he helped overthrow a provisional French government, and after becoming ‘first consul’ and then ‘consul for life,’ in 1804 he declared himself Emperor of the French.

Very few, if any, people in Europe were untouched by Napoleon’s reign, though his reign was significantly shorter (and much less ‘successful’) than Elizabeth’s. The point is this: Elizabeth is an amazing example of a successful monarch who ruled for over half a century. Napoleon was a much more impactful monarch, though his reign was significantly shorter and ended in multiple defeats. Napoleon’s impact, especially via nationalism and its effects on the development of various European countries, continued long after his death. Nationalism, after all, was one of the main causes of World War I, which began a hundred years after Napoleon’s first exile. So for us, the question is this: what type of leader do we want to be? Do we want to be successful, or do we want to be impactful?

Just as a final look at success vs. impact, consider briefly the life of Christ. His earthly ministry lasted only around three years. He spent most of his time with twelve specific men, though often crowds did gather to hear him speak. He had neither money nor political power, and he was eventually arrested, tortured, and killed by the reigning powers of his day. And at the very end of his earthly life, even his closest followers deserted him. Yet, following the Resurrection, his apostles remained faithful, his message spread to the ends of the earth, and He set in motion a movement that has had tremendous effects in every nation on earth despite the hostility of people and governments. This should tell us that our focus should be on impacting the world for the Gospel through our leadership, rather than seeking earthly success in whatever our chosen areas of influence are.

Chapter 4 is called Is Winning Arguments Even A Thing? Results or Relationships?

In leadership, it is often easy to forget that our job is not simply to get or achieve a desired result. We get caught up in trying to accomplish a stated goal or task, and we lose focus on the relationships that make any achievement possible. We forget that people are eternal, while anything we do here on earth, unless done for the Lord, will simply pass away one day. This chapter discusses how to remember and retain a focus on relationships rather than on results.

I got married for the first time after my sophomore year at Covenant College. After graduating from Covenant with a degree in History, my young family--which now included a baby girl, born less than a month after I got my diploma--and I moved five hundred miles north so that I could take up a job as a teacher and soccer coach at Fayetteville Christian School in North Carolina. While in Fayetteville, we lived in a house owned by my in-laws, and for a while, my brother-in-law came to live with us. One day he witnessed what I now see as one of the most embarrassing leadership failures of my first marriage. My wife had loaded the dishwasher and was getting ready to run it, but before she did I decided to move some of the dishes around.

How many of us have been here before?

(From http://www.intellectualtakeout.org/article/dishwasher-loading-arguments-are-common-reason, accessed on 5/27/18 at 7:03a.m.)

Perhaps some of you can identify with feeling like you are the only person in the house who knows how to properly load the dishwasher. Well, both my wife and I felt that way about ourselves. So after I moved the dishes around, she went back and replaced every one into the positions she had put them in originally. Then I went and sorted them again and stood back watching as she again rearranged this dishes. This went on for probably ten minutes, while tempers and words continued to get hotter and louder, all while my brother-in-law watched (probably trying not to laugh at our ridiculousness). It’s been over a decade since that event, and I honestly do not know how it ended or in what way the dishes were arranged when the dishwasher finally got turned on. What I do know is that no matter who “won” that argument, the real loser in that moment was our relationship.

Have any of you won an argument with your spouse or significant other and still been happy about it ten minutes later? How about with a child, friend, or colleague? Perhaps sometimes, but I know what most often happens when I win an argument is that a relationship is also damaged. There are hurt feelings, there is resentment, and there is a strain in that relationship that did not need to be there. The reason this matters is because in leadership, everything starts with relationships, and so we need to take care of them. If you take care of relationships, the results will take care of themselves. And the most important relationship to take care of is your relationship with Jesus; all other relationships flow from there.

Thus, in our leadership, we need to remember the phrase “Be the first…”. As Christ first loved us and gave Himself up for us, so we must be willing to give ourselves for others even before they do so for us. This phrase also implies give and take, as we saw earlier: give respect and take responsibility. Give respect to each person you meet and take responsibility for the way in which you present yourself to them. Now, don’t worry: this is not an entire chapter about image or presentation or personal branding or any of those things. But it is about how you present yourself to other people: be the first to give respect and to take responsibility.

As leaders we must also be the first to admit fault when we are wrong and be the first to share credit with other people when things go well. Very few leaders ever accomplish anything of value all on their own. There is almost always a team or group involved, so let’s be sure to acknowledge that; it will go a long way in terms of relationship building and in the impact you will have on your audience. It is also evidence of humility to be able to encourage and applaud others’ contributions instead of having to publicize one’s own accomplishments.

Last, and most importantly, be the first to serve. As Christ washed the disciples’ feet, as He gave Himself up for us, so we must be willing to serve others if we are to properly fulfill our roles as leaders. Always be willing to do the little bit extra, show up early, stay a bit late, go out of your way for others. All of these things essentially hit on the same idea. A key component of leadership is putting the needs of others before our own, in order to help them become better versions of themselves.

RLL 28--Respect and Anger: Two Keys to Better Relationships

Real Life Leading 28

Respect and Anger: Two Keys to Better Relationships

Happy Sunday, leaders! I hope that all is going well in your world and that your weekend so far has been both restful and productive. We’re less than two months from the launch of my upcoming book ‘Inverted Leadership: Lead Others Better By Forgetting About Yourself’, and so in the next five weeks I’ll be sharing excerpts from my previously-published ebook ‘(Extra)Ordinary Leadership: 10 Things Dad Taught Me Without Saying Anything.’ I hope you enjoy these, and I look forward to your feedback. Also, be sure to email me and let me know if you’re  interested in being part of the launch team for ‘Inverted Leadership’! Without further ado, here’s this week’s update.

Principle 1: Always show respect to others, even when they don’t extend you the same courtesy.

‘Respect’ is a practical outworking of the ‘Golden Rule’ of our childhood: treating other people the way in which we would like to be treated. It encompasses many other positive traits as well: humility, deference, trust, giving credit where it is due. At its core, respect is showing love to others in the way we ourselves wish to be loved. It is seen in the way we expect children to treat their parents, students their teachers, and young people their elders. It is the way a soldier is supposed to respond to an officer, or the way a player responds to a coach.

This is Erik, who showed me such great respect when I didn't deserve any at all. Still a mentor and a friend over 20 years later!

In all of the preceding examples, however, the respect is shown upward; that is, it is seen in a vertical relationship from one person to another person, with the second person holding a position of authority over the first. This is as it should be, as in every area of life authority figures expect to be treated in a certain way, as this helps maintain order and structure and stability. However, respect shown in the opposite direction, downward as it were, or even horizontally, as amongst colleagues, tends to be even more powerful in its impact because it is not commanded or demanded respect. There often is no punishment or negative consequence inherent in failing to show respect horizontally or downward. However, to do so, to show respect in those ways, is to do what is unusual; and because it is unusual it causes more of an impact.

The evidence for the impact of this is obvious to anyone who has been the recipient of this type of ‘undeserved’ respect. As a teenager, I received this from my high school soccer coach and youth leader, Erik, and it was this respect that caused me to have such a high regard for him. He has been, after my dad, the largest male influence in my life since I was fourteen years old. He treated all of his players well, he treated the youth group well, and I have never heard a former player or youth member say a negative word about him. This is not to say he was permissive; in fact, Erik was quite strict with us in many regards. But when he disciplined us, it was always tempered with love and respect, and therefore we knew, even when we were in trouble, that he cared about us.

It was the same way with my father, who spent twenty years as an officer in the U.S. Army. After his death, I interviewed several soldiers who had served under his command during the Vietnam War. To a man, they said that Dad was not ‘popular’ in the normal sense of the term (i.e., not everyone liked him), but every soldier I spoke to said that they respected him as an officer and as a person because he was tough but fair, and most importantly, they all knew he would do everything possible to bring them home safely. In the words of Ronnie Smith, who served under Dad in Vietnam, “We didn’t like your father in Vietnam. But later we realized what he had done. He was hard on us, and he brought us home.” In a war whose merits were dubious at best and are still debated by historians today, he went out of his way to avoid risking soldiers’ lives unnecessarily. This was done through a strict adherence to the rules and by treating his soldiers in such a way as to cause them to also be alert and attentive to their duty.

As a result of Dad’s respectful treatment of the soldiers under his command, and their combined efforts to do their jobs well, all of Dad’s soldiers (so far as I have been able to determine through research) came home alive, despite seeing combat enough and to such a degree that Dad earned three bronze stars during his time in Vietnam. And, what may be even more important and impactful, Dad continued to show these soldiers respect throughout his lifetime by keeping in touch with them and by visiting army friends on various occasions. For example, after he was diagnosed with cancer in 2007, Dad attended a reunion of some of his soldiers from their time together in Vietnam, and many of them expressed gratitude (as well as some surprise) that he, as their commanding officer, would actually care enough about them to come to such a reunion. He spoke to them individually, shook their hands, and thanked them for their service even though decades had elapsed since their service had ended. This type of respect, shown to people who were formerly under his command and authority, spoke volumes to those soldiers and, when I heard about it, to me.

Dad’s respectful treatment of subordinates was not limited to his time in the military; it was his habit to do this also to his colleagues and employees in the civilian workplace. One woman, Veda, worked with him in an army depot that refurbished military supplies, and she told me via email of how he often went out of his way to teach her extra information related to their tasks and to the items and equipment being refurbished. He would spend time answering various questions about how the materials would be used in the field, thus helping Veda to understand why her part in the process mattered and how it also thus contributed to the military effort at large. Through all their time together on the job, Dad treated her with a respect and courtesy that she remembers fondly to this day.

Dad in his dress uniform. He taught me many things just through how he lived, and he continues to teach me things even though he's been gone for 10 years.

"John was our supervisor for a while at the [Anniston Army] Depot. I was the shipping clerk. So there were many occasions which he would have to go to the different buildings in search of needed parts. After a few trips to the buildings, people began to dread the thought of us coming through the door. Excuses abounded for not being on time, and your dad would clear his throat, take off his cap, and proceed to tell them, in government terms, how these things were to transpire. Never raised his voice, never used a condescending term, just as it should be. I would turn my head to keep from laughing because the looks on their faces were priceless. They didn’t even know what your dad did. It didn’t take many times until things would be coming to us, on time, and counted correctly. I never heard or saw him speak down to anyone in any way. He asked of people what they were to do, what they were capable of doing, and he expected that they do it correctly.

I learned more from talking with him about things on the Depot than I did from the people who were supposed to know. It was nice working with someone who cared about what was going on and understood the urgency of what we were all doing."

This type of regard and respect for the people he worked with made an impression, though it did not necessarily make him popular. Thus, there were times when people would treat him with less respect than either his military career or his occupational position deserved. However, according to Veda when this happened, “he never defended himself. He’d just turn and walk away.” Sometimes being respectful to others simply means refusing to respond, and Dad understood that as well.

Action Step #1: Consider who you need to show respect to tomorrow that you didn’t show respect to today, and then go and do it.

Principle 2: Control your temper—it’s yours, and only you can lose it.

Emotions are complex, often deceptive, things. This obvious understatement of the case nevertheless serves as a way to first delve into the topic of emotions, how they relate to showing love to others, and how all of these things showed themselves in Dad’s life. There are quite literally thousands of books about love, and there are probably even more ways than that to define what one means by ‘love.’ For our purposes, and as was explained in the introduction, love is not an emotion, but rather it is a choice, an action, and a habit (as opposed to a one-time act or moment).

Defining love this way immediately puts us at odds with 21st century American pop culture, but then Dad was never really one for pop culture. Also, defining love by the standards of our culture is a debatable (at best) enterprise anyway, with so many different explanations floating about. For these reasons, and as Dad demonstrated throughout his life, love is more about what you do and say, and has much less to do with how you feel at any particular moment. Later in this book we will discuss numerous other emotions and how Dad was an excellent example of how to control them. For this chapter, the focus is specifically on anger, as it is in some ways different than all other emotions.

Anger is different in large part because it has more power to destroy than any other. Joy, happiness, and other positive emotions can all destroy (in one sense) if a person pursues them at the expense of other things. However, anger is rarely, if ever, an emotion that builds others up. Rather, it is almost exclusively an emotion that tears people down. There is a time and a place for it, though that comes about much less often than most people (myself included) might like for it to. Anger is not inherently bad, however. C.S. Lewis explains in ‘Mere Christianity’ that there are no ‘bad impulses’ or ‘good impulses’. Rather, all our impulses are good at sometimes and bad at others; in other words, there is a time and a place for anger. However, anger is one impulse that is more often negative in its effects than happiness, joy, or other ‘positive’ emotions. Unfortunately for many people around me when I was a child, anger is also one of the major emotions that I displayed, especially in the area of competitive sports.

I'm very thankful that my daughters are kinder to each other than I was to my brother when we were that age.

On numerous occasions, Dad talked with me about my anger and how it was harmful, damaging, and also just unhelpful toward my teammates, my siblings, or my family. He did not, however, articulate aloud the relationship between anger and a lack of love for others. He had displayed anger when I was young, and yet because I knew he loved me, I never saw a possible disconnect between anger and love. As I got older, however, I began to see that while Dad was great at loving people, he was also careful to not direct his anger at people in a hurtful way. I do have some memories of him doing this when I was young, especially toward my older brother. But as we got older, this happened only infrequently.

After I became an adult, I began to see that Dad was unusual in how he displayed his anger. The older I got, the less often it appeared, and not only that, but it seemed to only appear after many attempts to change the situation without anger which proved to be unsuccessful. The first incident that comes to mind was at a church league softball game that we played while I was still in high school. One of my favorite memories of that time is playing in those softball with Dad. He had been a college baseball player, and I had grown up playing baseball as well. Even into his fifties and early sixties, he was one of the most skilled players on our softball team, and it was fun to be able to share the field with him.

During one game, a player on our team who had formerly played highly competitive adult-league softball grew upset because he felt the opposing team was using a bat which failed to meet the league-mandated specifications. He grew more and more angry and began yelling at both the umpires and the other team. Throughout this, our players had been trying to calm him down and remind him that it was a friendly league, it was not a big deal, and that we should just carry on the game. Dad, in particular, tried to get things back on track. At this moment, our player made a comment to Dad, who was certainly older than most players not just on our team but in the whole league, along the lines of, “I don’t need another father to tell me what to do.”

There are numerous different responses to this that would have been unhelpful, hurtful, or which would have simply escalated the situation farther. However, as I recall, Dad did not say anything in reply to this for a few minutes. As our player continued in his loud complaints, I remember Dad finally saying back to him, because of his continued boisterousness at what was supposed to be a friendly church league game, “Maybe you do need another father.” I remember thinking, “Wow, did Dad just say that?!” because Dad was not known for getting involved in that type of altercation. I do not remember another similar incident at all, in fact. Recalling the incident now, it amazes me further that Dad did not say his response viciously or in a negative way, but rather as a simple statement of fact: if this is how you are choosing to act right now, perhaps you do need someone to show you an example of how you should act in this type of situation. No anger, some irritation, but ultimately the goal was simply to try to get things back under control and be able to move on.

I was very glad to learn how to ride a horse from two experienced riders: my wife (pictured here) and my former student Cody (who was out ahead of us, leading the way).

Now, to be fair, our player who was upset was an upstanding man in his own right. He was normally even-keeled, under control, and was a positive example both to the church as a whole and specifically for our youth group. I think that on this one occasion, his own desire to win, his competitive nature, simply got the best of him. That is something I can entirely empathize with, and so I do not fault him. Rather, as I look back now, I am both glad and a little surprised to see that Dad approached this situation in the same way he approached similar situations with me. In fact, since this man was not his son, though he could probably have been, based on the age difference, it is possible that Dad showed him more patience and grace than he showed me in similar situations.

For example, within a year of this incident, I made an unintentional display of frustration at a softball game, and Dad’s reaction was definitely closer to anger. For some reason one summer my all-star baseball team had been invited to play in a slow-pitch softball tournament. There are obvious parallels between the sports, and so we decided to go and play. During the game, I struggled to adjust to the different strike zone of slow-pitch softball, and in my first at-bat, I struck out without swinging at a single pitch. I walked back to the dugout, visibly frustrated at having struck out. As I neared the dugout, I took off my helmet to toss it to a teammate who I thought was waiting for it. After I had let the helmet go, however, the teammate turned away and never made a move to catch it. As a result, the helmet crashed into the bat-rack, knocking over half a dozen aluminum bats onto the concrete floor of the dugout, making a tremendous noise.

To everyone watching, Dad included, it looked as if I had thrown my helmet in anger and frustration, causing the loud noise and demonstrating a very poor attitude. This is certainly how Dad saw the situation, and so he very quickly came over to the dugout to talk with me about my attitude and actions. He told me, in his quiet-yet-stern tone of voice, that my actions were unacceptable and that anything else even remotely close to that type of display would be my last opportunity to play sports for quite some time. And I believed him.

The older I get, the more I realized that this is one of many times when Dad would have been justified in displaying anger toward me. Now that I am a parent, I can see how one would be frustrated, embarrassed, and angered by this type of action from a child. However, Dad did not blow up at me, and he did not yell or create more of a scene that might have caused me to also respond in anger. He did talk to me very sternly, and he was very clear about his expectations for my future attitude and behavior. I understand now just how important that was, because though I do not know how easy or difficult it was for him to control his temper in that situation, I know that him doing it was the right way to go.

Action Step #2: Carefully examine yourself today to see ways in which you are allowing your temper to control you. Acknowledge these so that you can then retake control of your emotions.