RLL 58: 10 Commandments of Blended Families

Real Life Leading 58:

10 Commandments of Blended Families

Good morning, and I hope everyone is having an amazing Christmas season. This week, I want to briefly share with you a few thoughts that are near and dear to my heart, thoughts on blended families and holidays. As many of you know, I’m divorced and remarried, and my ex-wife is also remarried. We have two daughters from that marriage, and my ex-wife and her husband have a son who is now a toddler. We all have family from in town and out of town, and so holidays can be complicated. However, I’m also very thankful to say that we’ve been able to put together a pretty good system of working together so that the holidays, though still busy, are much less stressful than they might be.

Speaking at the NHSA Conference in Orlando, FL, presenting my work on ‘Four Parents, Two Houses: Parenting Together Despite Difficulties’

This past week, my wife and I were in Orlando so that I could deliver a presentation on blended family life, and I shared many of our experiences, some of my my mistakes, and many examples of how blended family life can be made better. The response was extremely encouraging, and I’m hoping it’ll be helpful to you as well. So, this week, here are the Ten Commandments of Blended Families. If you have any questions or feedback, please get in touch and let me know. Also, for more great info on blended families, be sure to check out the work of Ron Deal http://familylifeblended.com/home/. The website and his books are amazing and contain much wisdom.

Ok, without any further delay, here are the 10 Commandments of Blended Family Life:

1. Over communicate with all adults involved: choose a format/technology that works, and use it. When in doubt, communicate.

2. Be respectful, calm, and patient with everyone involved, even if you feel like you’re the only one doing it. (“A soft answer turns away wrath”).

3. Use discernment to learn to choose your battles very carefully: differentiate between personal dislikes and ‘red flag’ issues.

4. Be willing to graciously give way on minor issues. Yes, this comes with risk, but it’s still the right thing to do sometimes.

5. Choose to believe the best about the other household, and be sure to celebrate and acknowledge it when you see it.

6. Express genuine gratitude as often as possible whenever a joint agreement is reached.

7. Remember every day that you are the adult, and your task is to model maturity and wisdom for your children. Your task is NOT to ‘win’, get revenge, or even get your own way.

8. Don’t be afraid to ask for 3rd-party help from a counselor, pastor, neutral friend, or someone else that all parties are comfortable with.

9. Work through your personal issues on your time, NOT in front of or by involving the children.

10. Be as consistent as possible at both (or all) houses in all areas of life. Also remember that total consistency is impossible, even in traditional families.

Celebrating with my wife at the end of conference Christmas party. We had a great time at the event, and we’re so thankful to have connected with some amazing people there!

These are the foundations for the way our large, complex, four-parent/two-house family has worked for the past five+ years, and we’re very grateful that God has brought us to a pretty great place. It’s still not perfect, but it is much, much better than it might be. It has taken time and effort and tears and hard work on all sides, but it is worth it. The key to all of it is to focus on have the proper mindset, and the actions will follow. Exercise humility (self-forgetfulness), be willing to admit fault and compromise, keep a long-term perspective, and always put the children first.

Merry Christmas, and may you all be blessed!

* Be the adult you want your children to become. (adapted from Gandhi’s quote “Be the change you want to see in the world.”)

Action Step: This week, ask yourself how you can contribute to making your family life (traditional, blended, or anything else) a more positive situation by working with and respecting others.

RLL 57: Puppies and Pictures--Memories and Encouragement

RLL 57: Puppies and Pictures--A Bit of Encouragement

The pups and I slowing down in the evening

This week, like every week, was very busy: basketball practices, school work, preparing for finals, rehearsing and revising an upcoming presentation, and of course, putting up more Christmas decorations. However, this week also brought with it some unexpected encouragement through our dogs and in looking through old pictures of my daughters. In sharing these things in the blog this week, I want to help you be inspired and encouraged as well.

One night this week I found myself overwhelmed with work to do: essays to grade, revisions to make, other school work, all while what I really wanted to do was just spend time with my kids and wife. When I reached a stopping place in my work, I went at sat down on the floor with our pups, and well, you can see the result in that picture above. I was beat! It’s also been a very rain-filled couple of weeks where we live, and the dogs are normally pitiful because they’re scared. Then they get stir-crazy because they haven’t been able to be outside. This week, for some reason, they were hardly ever pitiful and crazy, and it made a giant difference because instead, they were great: snuggly, mostly calm, and always wanting to be where we were.

My older daughter and my first niece, both very excited about this birthday cake!

The other encouragement this week was that my daughter’s school asked for a toddler picture of her, so that meant my wife and I spent time looking through old pictures of the girls, and it was pure fun and joy! We saw such sweet pictures of the girls, from newborn pictures through early childhood, many of which I’d forgotten. I saw pictures of them playing and laughing, pictures of them sleeping and eating, and pictures of them just being kids.

These two bits of encouragement were just what I needed to help me through a difficult week, and so I wanted to do two things: one, to share them with you in hopes that they’d make you smile; and two, to ask you what encouraged you this week? A conversation? A photo? A memory? Christmas decorations? A conversation? Whatever it was, be sure to share it with someone else and give them a bit of encouragement as well.

Action Step: Consciously choose to try to encourage at least one person today by sharing something that has encouraged you!

RLL 56: Christmas Crazy vs. Christmas holiday?

Real Life Leading 56:

Christmas Crazy vs. Christmas holiday?

Christmas season is in full swing this week, and that means many different things to different people. For some people it means decorating, presents, trees, candles, food, candy, travel, and family. For others it means sadness, loss, reminders of pain, isolation, or at least stress (also often related to family). This Christmas season, I want to give a couple of quick encouraging reminders: to slow down, and to rejoice.

One of my favorite things is getting to hang out with Bruiser at home.

The word holiday comes from the term ‘holy day,’ or a day set aside for a special or specific purpose. This Christmas season, I would encourage you to set aside time to both slow down and to reflect and rejoice: to see the beauty, to enjoy the company, to be amazed at the possibilities the future holds. In the midst of the crazy, let’s remember to slow down and set time aside to be reminded of Joy (one of C.S. Lewis’ favorite terms).

My world is complicated: being divorced and remarried (with kids involved) means that our schedule is hectic already, and it becomes even moreso when extended family comes to visit from out of town. As a school teacher it also means that this is exam time, and since one of my kids is in high school, it’s exam time for her as well. This is in addition to all of the usual Christmas season stresses mentioned above.

Because of all these things, I am glad to be able to remind myself and you to slow down, and also to rejoice. We should slow down because it’s the only way to enjoy what should be an amazing and encouraging season of the year. I’m not a huge fan of most modern Christmas songs, but I do appreciate that so many of them are positive, reminding us to be amazed and cheered by decorations, by kind greetings from strangers, and by the joys of the season. But if we’re going too fast, staying too busy, or trying to do too much, we miss it.

Even more importantly, I would remind you to rejoice this Christmas season. As a history person, I understand that Jesus’ actual birth was nearer to spring than to when we celebrate Christmas; however, that doesn’t make Christmas less special, any more than it would to celebrate a friend’s or child’s birthday on a different day of the year. This season is one that reminds me of the greatest gift I could ever receive: hope.

The most recent kitten rescued (and then given to a friend) by my wife.

Jesus’ coming to earth—His life, death, and resurrection—all represent the greatest eucatastrophe (to borrow a word from J.R.R. Tolkien, meaning ‘good catastrophe’) in the history of the world. And that is cause to rejoice. This world is broken and fallen, and there are sorrows and pains that shouldn’t exist; yet Jesus reminds us that it isn’t meant to be this way, and that it won’t always be this way. His coming points us to a beautiful, wonderful future, full of blessings and joy that we cannot currently imagine. And every good blessing we have now is simply a signpost pointing us to that future.

So, when we get to snuggle with our kids (as I was blessed to do on Friday) or our pups (as many of us love to do); or when we are able to rescue kittens (as my wife tends to do); or when we see beautiful lights and decorations; when we are able to spend time with our families and loved ones; when we experience the joy of food and fellowship; when we slow down enough to appreciate these things, let us be reminded that these things are but a taste of what is to come.

Action Step: This week, take a few moments each day to consciously slow down to enjoy and appreciate the many blessings we have received, and be reminded of the joy that is still to come.