Real Life Leading #9: "I am thankful for"...Gratitude as a Key to Leadership

Real Life Leading #9

“I Am Thankful For…”: Gratitude as a Key to Leadership

     Hey everyone! This week was Thanksgiving week here in the States, and so I thought it would be a great idea to talk about the importance of gratitude and how it affects our leadership. I want to do that in a couple of different ways here. First, I will look at it in a theory/application format; second, I want to give some examples of gratitude for various situations in my life and leadership.

Let’s start with the obvious: most people know that it’s polite to say things like “Thank you” or “I appreciate it” when someone helps us out. That’s basic, kindergarten-level stuff...and yet it also gets forgotten, especially once we move beyond kindergarten. Ask any teacher of middle or high school students, and they’ll tell you that all of those lessons from kindergarten and elementary school (think of the “All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten” posters that were in so many classrooms growing up) seem to have been forgotten, misplaced, or never truly grasped by many of their students. Basic gratitude, in many situations, seems to have fallen by the wayside.

And, unfortunately, this is also seen in many retail stores and shopping malls as people begin ramping up their holiday shopping. So, lesson number one here: remember to show gratitude, especially to people who may be getting much less than they deserve (cough, retail clerks and workers, cough).

Next, let’s look at the somewhat less obvious: gratitude is not just about the words we say, but about the way in which we say them. There is a great scene in an episode of the TV sitcom Friends where Joey says to Chandler, “It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it.” In that episode, the joke is that Joey is becoming more effeminate, more like his female roommate, and that is supposedly shown by this particular comment. However, there is much truth to be found in that remark: often, when we see a lack of gratitude, it’s not just through lack of polite words; rather, it is through a general attitude or non-verbal cues. Those of us with siblings certainly remember moments from our childhood when our parents made us say thank you for something our sibling had done, and we would (with no conviction whatsoever) sulkily mumble a semi-coherent, “Thanks.” And that would often be followed up by the parent saying something along the lines of, “This time, say it and mean it.” The interesting thing here is, in order to mean it, our words didn’t change. But our whole countenance did: in order to mean it, our body position, our facial expression, our tone of voice, all of these things had to change in order for us to mean it when we expressed our thanks.

This knowledge that our whole countenance changes when we truly are grateful for something reveals to us an important lesson: when we express gratitude, it not only shows appreciation to the person or group being thanked, but it changes us as well. Don’t let the significance of that be lost on you: when you truly show gratitude, it affects you just as much as it does the other party. It makes us change physically (our face, our body position--head up, look them in the eyes, all the things adults try to teach their kids about posture), and it changes us emotionally: we actually feel more grateful when we truly express thanks.

Last lesson here: most people are able to see through a fake “Thank you” just as we are quick to pick up on a fake, or at least a less-than-heartfelt, apology. So when we are showing thanks, let us do so sincerely, let us not just say the words but let us feel them and show gratitude in our demeanor, our expression, and our whole attitude. Think of the difference between when someone, even a stranger, says, “Thank you so much,” while they look you in the eye and smile, compared to when someone, even a loved one, says an off-hand and quickly muttered, “Thanks,” as you hold the door open, carry away a dirty dish, or help them up from the couch after a holiday nap. What’s the difference? It’s certainly not that the words “So much” added on the end make the gratitude more heartfelt. It’s the attitude, the feeling, the weight behind the words that really gets the message across.

As leaders, we have to be aware of what we say, but more importantly we need to be aware of how we say it. We need to make sure that we are getting our message across in the way in which we intend it to be received, and a large part of that is non-verbal communication. In my world, I spent a significant amount of time interacting with females: I have a wife, two daughters, I teach high school students (male and female), and I coach girls soccer (varsity and JV, with a combined roster of 30+). In the years I have done this, I have seen many times when I have mistakenly hurt someone’s feelings through a careless word, but more often it occurs through not paying enough attention to the way in which I use my words. I am still learning how to do a better job of accurately expressing what it is that I’m trying to get across to them, and it will be a lifelong journey of learning to do that well. In the meantime, let me give a few things I’m thankful for before we wrap up here:

I’m thankful for my wife, who decided it was a good idea to marry me (even when I tried to convince her otherwise) and who encourages me in my career and in every area of life while also teaching me about humility, grace, and gratitude. She is my muse, my help-meet, and my warrior-beside.

I’m thankful for my daughters, who continue to teach me about parenting by giving me opportunities to grow as they grow and to learn as they learn. Just when I think I've gotten a handle on how to parent kids their ages, they have birthdays, and I get to start all over again. I’m thankful to get to have the privilege of being around such great kids.

I’m thankful for my mom, dad, and stepdad, who showed me that divorces don’t have to be as messy and painful as they often become. They also taught me that humility, patience, and understanding are necessary for blended families to work well.

I’m thankful for my in-laws (current and former) for showing love and generosity to my family, and for always being kind.

I’m thankful for my ex-wife and her husband (and their son), who willingly work with us to make our lives work, and without whose cooperation our four-parent, two-house world would be much more difficult and complicated.

I'm thankful for every teacher, coach, pastor, youth pastor, and college professor that took the time to teach and coach an arrogant, snarky, know-it-all Joel, in the hopes that one day I'd be less cocky and more humble. 

I’m thankful for you the reader, for giving me the chance to share what I’ve learned and try to help you use your leadership and influence to make your little pocket of the world a better place.

Call to Action: This week, go out of your way to show true humble gratitude to someone in your world that needs to know they’re appreciated.

Real Life Leading #8: A Luddite in a Tech World

Real Life Leading #8:

A Luddite in a Tech World:  Learning as an Act of Humility

     Upon taking up his newly-created post at the University of Cambridge, the beloved author and professor C.S. Lewis once referred to himself as a “dinosaur,” a holdover from an earlier intellectual age that has long since gone out of fashion. He was a medievalist, trying to teach and influence an increasingly modern (and postmodern) world. I am no C.S. Lewis, so I will resist referring to myself as a dinosaur; I also am not writing here about intellectual or educational philosophy, but about leadership. As such, I am not so much a dinosaur as I am a Luddite in a tech world.

A Luddite is defined as someone who actively opposes more industrialization or new technology, and if you were to ask any of my students (especially in today’s smart-phone generation), they could tell you stories of the many times I have quite willingly hopped on my intellectual soapbox about the dangers of smart-phones, their negative effects on learning, etc. However that may be, I also am forced to acknowledge that I have tremendously benefited from technology, and therefore to oppose it on principle would be an act not of mere selfishness but of true pride.

Pride has been defined in many ways, and I want to begin by saying that not all ‘pride’ is a bad thing. Again, referencing C.S. Lewis, he wrote (my paraphrase here) that pride in one’s regiment or in one’s family, or in anything else that focuses outward, is not a bad thing, especially if that causes a person to work harder or serve others in pursuit of improving the regiment, family, etc. No, the dangerous type of pride is what we often think of as competitiveness, that is, pride that is constantly weighing ourselves against others. This pride is dangerous specifically because it is so self-centered, self-focused, and self-serving.

The danger of competitive pride has been brought home to me in many different ways in my leadership, especially in my role as a coach. My pride has caused me to yell at players who didn’t deserve it (yes, I do believe that sometimes a louder-than-usual voice is necessary, if only because of the sheer size and distances of a soccer field), take losses personally (as if by losing my team somehow let me down, therefore reflecting poorly on me as a person), and to set a poor example to my players, the fans, and even my children who have attended many of the games I have coached.

In regards to leadership, the dangers of pride are tremendous: pride will cause leaders to cut corners in the pursuit of ‘victory’ or ‘success,’ however those may be defined in that role. Pride will often cause leaders to define success in a way that is ultimately about themselves rather than about the organization they are leading. And just a quick glance at the news will reveal that pride will also lead to much worse problems, as shown by many of our national political leaders, pro athletes, or other celebrities. And the only solution is humility.

Humility is perhaps the most misunderstood descriptor in the English language. Humility, simply defined, is focusing on others instead of on oneself. It is thinking of oneself less often. And when a leader learns how to do this consistently, many of the dangers of pride can be averted.

So, back to me being a Luddite: I willingly admit that I am often opposed to new technology simply because it is new and I don’t understand it. However, because of my pride, I also am opposed to it because I don’t want to be bothered with having to learn it, and because it is so much easier for people younger than me to grasp. This is brought home to me every time a student references a new app, or social media platform, or even popular video game about which I have no idea.

When I was a kid, the most popular gaming platform was the original Nintendo, the 8-bit NES with Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. I was never great at it, but I got pretty good. And then the Super Nintendo came out, and the controllers had more buttons, and, try though I might, I never could get good with that many buttons. As a result, I was strongly opposed to the system, and I have been opposed to every system that has come out since. In college, when my dorm mates were playing in N64s or GameCubes or other systems, I would mostly watch, or I would play and get destroyed, and both of those things wounded my pride.

After college, when texting was first growing in popularity, I refused to even try to learn how to do it, just on principle. As smart-phones have become more popular, I did the same thing, refusing to buy a smart-phone until less than two years ago. Sure, I endured much ribbing about my Luddite-tendencies, but I believed I had the moral high ground…..

Until I realized that the only reason I was opposed to all of those things was pride and laziness. I didn’t want to admit that I would need help learning new technology, because that would make me seem less intelligent than I like to think I am. I didn’t want to admit that, though there are dangers, perhaps the technology itself isn’t the problem (though I will always believe that the technology enables people to make bad decisions more easily, as I have seen in my own life). I certainly didn’t want to give up my pride-based moral high ground.

And then I remembered humility. I was reminded of the many times I have had to ask for help because I could not, on my own, do what needed to be done. Without help from others, I could not fulfill my responsibilities. I remembered that, even without smart-phone technology, I had made more mistakes (with bigger consequences) than I had thought myself capable of.

See, that’s the thing about pride, especially prideful leadership: when we are focused on ourselves, we don’t see the dangers that are already right in front of us, because we are too busy being Narcissus, falling in love with our own reflections. Ever tried driving a car while only looking at your reflection in the rear view mirror? You can’t help but crash sooner or later, no matter how skillful and experienced a driver you are.

When leaders begin focusing on themselves, it affects every area of leadership: it affects the team or group you are leading, it affects your style of leadership, it affects your relationships, and it affects your outcome. You may still experience some ‘successes,’ but these are only delaying the inevitable. Remember all the stories and myths of heroes who brought about their own downfall due to their hubris, their pride, and their self-focus. And commit to not being that type of leader.

As leaders we must focus on others, and we must be willing to go out of our way to continue to learn, even if, as in my case, learning involves asking people younger than us (as I have had to ask my teenage daughter) to teach us about technology with which we are uncomfortable. Because every conscious act of learning is also an act of humility.

Let me say that again: every conscious act of learning is an act of humility. When we consciously set about learning something, we are acknowledging a couple of important things: 1) we don’t already know everything we need to know, and thus 2) we have to seek out that knowledge from a source that does already know what we need to know. We are placing ourselves in someone else’s hands, trusting that they will guide us well and faithfully to the knowledge that we need at that time.  

Lastly, because learning is an act of placing ourselves in another’s hands, it is also imperative that we seek out knowledge in a purposeful way, from sources that will contribute to our overall goals as a leader. That is, we must carefully choose what we learn and where we learn it. The old adage, “You learn something new every day,” remains true. So then the last important question you need to ask yourself is: as a leader, what are you choosing to learn, and where is this new knowledge coming from? For me, the Luddite, this often means I’m asking someone to teach me more about new technology, about social media, about history, about leadership, about coaching. I don’t know everything there is to know about anything. And if you’re at all like me, you can also benefit from learning from someone who knows more. So, let us be humble enough to acknowledge what we don’t know and also confident enough to ask for help from those who do.

Weekly Takeaway: In your area of leadership, what have you been hesitant to learn? Choose this week to go and find more information, and then share it with your team or group.

Real Life Leading #7: 'When Breath Becomes Air' by Dr. Paul Kalanithi

Real Life Leading #7:

When Breath Becomes Air

by Dr. Paul Kalanithi

 

This incredibly powerful book was written while Dr. Kalanithi was fighting an ultimately unsuccessful battle against lung cancer. Prior to his diagnosis, Dr. Kalanithi was a neurosurgeon and writer from Arizona. On his way to becoming a neurosurgeon, he earned degrees in English literature, human biology, a master’s degree in history and philosophy of science and medicine from Cambridge (UK), and eventually graduated from the Yale School of Medicine. (info from the book description of the author)

According to his own testimony, much of the reason for his study of literature and of medicine was an attempt to understand how life got its meaning, and also to better understand our relationship with death. In writing about such difficult and weighty topics, Dr. Kalanithi has shared a number of valuable lessons that are applicable to all leaders, though our leadership roles are often of a less weighty nature.

The book itself is divided into two main parts, the titles of which describe the sections perfectly: In Perfect Health I Begin, and Cease Not till Death. Throughout the book, Dr. Kalanithi describes his experiences, his thoughts, and his understanding of his various roles: college student, medical student, literature studies, husband, surgeon, and finally, cancer patient and father. In each of these roles, he discusses his attempts to grapple with and understand the big questions about life and death, about hope and hopelessness, about meaning and the arbitrary nature of disease. In each of these roles, he shares his thought processes, and from them we see important principles which we can apply in our own lives.

In the whole of the book, his observations are packed with wisdom, with insight, and with all of the weight of one who knows and truly acknowledges that his time is limited. For this reason, the book is not only powerful but also raw and honest but without what he called “the sensationalism of death.” Death’s shadow hovers over the whole book, but it does not cloud or darken his view of life.

In the first part of the book, Dr. Kalanithi briefly describes his background and upbringing before describing in more detail his time in college and then in medical school and as a surgical resident. During each of these stages, it is obvious that he is an exceptionally hard working and driven student, that he is a gifted writer, and that he has a keen eye for observing human nature. He describes his struggles as a doctor who deals with life and death situations every day: the difficulty of meeting these challenges head-on while also not becoming calloused or jaded. In these moments, his honesty sets a great example for what we, as leaders, should strive to do. That is, we should examine a situation with our intellect while also not neglecting the emotional and moral aspects.

Let’s examine a few of the valuable lessons here:

1) In describing his thought process after his first experience of losing a patient, he writes:

“I still had a lot of practical medicine to learn, but would knowledge alone be enough, with life and death hanging in the balance? Surely intelligence wasn’t enough; moral clarity was needed as well. Somehow, I had to believe, I would gain not only knowledge but wisdom, too…My focus would have to be on my imminent role, intimately involved with the when and how of death—the grave digger with the forceps.” (pg. 66)

Here we see the difficult struggle faced by all leaders set in the sharp relief of life and death: decisions that we are responsible to make but which will have far-reaching consequences for other people not just ourselves. And here we learn a valuable lesson about leadership: Intelligence isn’t enough. Moral clarity is needed as well. If we are to be good leaders in any sense of the word, then there is a moral aspect to leadership that simply cannot be ignored, despite what we see from many ‘leaders’ in our culture today. Leadership is not just about making decisions that are best for the bottom line, or best for ‘our constituency,’ or anything of that nature. Leadership is about making the right or best decisions in all situations, even if that is an unpleasant decision to have to make.

2) While discussing an early experience in learning a difficult surgical technique, he writes: “Neurosurgery requires a commitment to one’s own excellence and a commitment to another’s identity. The decision to operate at all involves an appraisal of one’s own abilities, as well as a deep sense of who the patient is and what she holds dear.” (pg. 108)

In this passage we see another important truth of leadership: We must understand our own abilities as a leader, but we must also understand the identities and values of those we are leading if we are to make the best decisions for them. All of leadership is about service, and thus we cannot neglect learning about our audience if we are to lead them properly. This is true in the classroom, in sports, and in families: it is imperative that we learn about those we are leading so that we can best know how to lead them in various situations.

3) Right at the end of the first section of the book, Dr. Kalanithi is discussing the awesome (in the true sense of the word) responsibility of neurosurgeons, and the importance of striving for a perfection that is nevertheless unattainable: “Our patients’ lives and identities may be in our hands, yet death always wins. Even if you are perfect, the world isn’t. The secret is to know that the deck is stacked, that you will lose, that your hands or judgment will slip, and yet still struggle to win for your patients. You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.” (pg. 115)

[Full disclosure: I had to look up what ‘asymptote’ meant, and the easiest way to describe it is a line or curve that approaches ‘0’ (or ‘perfect’) without ever reaching it.] And here we see the next important principle from this book: In this life, we will never attain perfection, yet as leaders we have a responsibility to strive for it at all times. Knowing we cannot be perfect is no excuse for failing to attempt perfection. As leaders, we cannot afford to fall prey to a fatalism or an acceptance that anything less than perfection is ‘good enough.’

3) As his cancer progressed, Dr. Kalanithi and his wife made the decision to have a child, something they had always desired but had put off due to their busy lives (Paul’s wife Lucy is also Dr. Kalanithi) and schedules. Ultimately, their daughter Elizabeth Acadia (affectionately called ‘Cady’) was born about eight months before Paul’s death. Toward the end of the book, Paul wrote that he wondered how his daughter would remember him and what message he most wanted her to know.

Here is what he wrote: “When you come to one of the many moments in life where you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.” (pg. 199)

When I first read this passage, the tears began to fall, and they continued off and on throughout the twenty-five page epilogue that his wife wrote. The reason this passage hit me so hard is that I also have daughters, and I often wonder what they will remember about me, moreso than I wonder what other people whom I have led will remember about me.

And in this passage, we see a final lesson from Dr. Kalanithi about leadership: Our job as leaders is to encourage and positively influence our followers, to let them know that they are valued and have something powerful to offer the world, so that they may be encouraged and also positively influence others in the same way.

His message to his daughter was about the powerful and life-changing (even under the shadow of imminent death) joy that her mere presence had brought to his world. If we knew that we had made or could make that type of difference in the life of someone else, how much differently would we approach life? In thinking about leadership, let us remember that we never know whose life we might change today, for better or for worse; and let us always strive to be the type of people who change lives for the better, in large moments and in small.

Practical Takeaway: Today, this day, reach out to someone that you know needs encouragement, and tell them what they mean to you.