RLL 20--Church Camp and Yellow Card: Difficult Conversations and Leadership

Church Camp and Yellow Card:

Difficult Conversations

This past weekend was a busy one in the Hawbaker household: one daughter had a Friday night soccer game followed by a weekend-long church camp. The other daughter had a basketball tournament all day Saturday, and my wife’s family was celebrating Chinese New Year (her brother’s family adopted a young girl from China a couple years ago, and so this has become a new family tradition). In addition to all of those things, my soccer team had a tournament as well, and so I was busy coaching most of the weekend.

After the rush ended this morning, I was reflecting on the various events, and in doing so I was struck by one common theme that came up for me which has a direct bearing on leadership: difficult conversations and why they are necessary. For me, there were three such talks that particularly stood out this weekend: one conversation with my daughter, one with a referee, and one with an opposing coach. What they all had in common was that they were focused on topics that make me uneasy, or which required me to accept responsibility for things I had done poorly. But, after having engaged in all three of them I also came away realizing that each situation was better because of having had those conversations.

The first conversation was with my daughter on Friday afternoon, and it was admittedly the least difficult of the three. She is almost fourteen years old, and the topic of the conversation was about friends and boys and young teenage relationships in general. I have never been a fan of my daughters growing up, mostly because I remember being a teenage boy and thus am familiar with how they think. I also know that, no matter what I do, the girls will grow up; and so, I know the best thing is to continue having these difficult conversations, even when they make me uncomfortable.

Hanging out with the daughters on a fun afternoon

Thankfully, my older daughter is very open with me when we talk: she tells me about the boy she likes, and she tells me how her friends tease her about it. She tells me about how the other boys in her group of friends give her a hard time and make her face turn red. And she tells me how excited she gets when she sees the particular boy that she likes. All of these things make me varying degrees of uncomfortable, for different reasons: it’s hard that she’s growing up, and I want to protect her from teasing and from heartache, and yet I know that those are situations that she mostly will have to learn to navigate on her own.

Thus, as her father, the best thing I can do is to try to provide guidance so that when she is faced with various situations she is as prepared as possible to make good decisions. As a leader, this is what we must do in our various contexts, whether at home at work or in a volunteer position. When there is a difficult issue, I know that many times the easiest option is to ignore it and hope that it works itself out, but I also know from experience that that rarely occurs. Thus it becomes necessary to have these conversations in order to facilitate a better environment or culture for the group. In this case, the goal of having these talks with my older daughter is to help her make decisions that are good for her in both the short term and the long term.

The other two conversations revolved around my soccer tournament this weekend. During our Friday night game, the play was very physical and rather heated, and I became concerned that players might get hurt. In my frustration I purposely yelled in such a way as to force the referee to issue me a yellow card, which (for those who are unfamiliar with soccer terminology) is an official warning and type of rebuke. If a coach or player receives two in the same game, he or she is ejected and cannot return. In addition to that, while things were still heated, I had a verbal exchange with the opposing coach, which almost never goes well. He responded in kind, and both of us came across looking rather immature and setting a poor example for our players. Those mistakes were actually the easier parts of the situation.

The hard part was that when the game ended Friday night, I felt unsettled about the whole situation. I knew I had behaved poorly and that I needed to attempt to reconcile those situations. So I went to the referee and I apologized for yelling the way I had. I still didn’t agree with her decisions, nor did I appreciate how she approached the situation. However, the truth of the matter is that, as the referee, her decisions are the ones that matter; my opinion is merely my opinion, and it makes no difference in her decision-making. As I told my team afterward, I had treated her merely as a referee, and in doing so I failed to treat her as a person who is refereeing.

The same thing was true in my exchange with the opposing coach. I unconsciously ceased to view him as a person, instead viewing him as just an opponent, and when I did that I allowed my frustration to get the better of me. However, I also knew that after the game I was still not in a great frame of mind to try to apologize, and so I waited and then went and found him in between games on Saturday. We talked, we both apologized and shook hands, and I believe we both went away from the exchange feeling better. He admitted that he hadn’t taken my words personally, that he knew it was all in the heat of competition, and I appreciated his honesty. We still didn’t agree about the game or some of the calls, but now we were disagreeing cordially, as opposed to disagreeing angrily. And the difference there is crucial to leadership.

Disagreements that become personal often become elevated very quickly, and then the disagreement often morphs into personal attacks rather than just a disagreement about an external situation. We also observe this in family life, when what started as a disagreement over what television channel to watch turns into a name-calling fest where feelings and relationships are damaged.

In sports, as in life, it’s very easy to forget that people are people, and so we often treat workers as workers rather than as people who are working at a particular job. Think of the hotel clerks, waiters, or cashiers that we have all seen mistreated by irritable customers (and remember that sometimes we are those irritable customers). In family situations we often allow our emotions to get the best of us and we resort to personal attacks, using hurtful names or bringing up often irrelevant past wrongs simply for the sake of ‘winning’ an argument. (Does that ever really happen? There’s a chapter about that topic in my book coming out this summer!)

But when we remember that people are people, and we try to treat them with the respect that all humans deserve, it makes us more humble. When I’m angry about a referee’s call, I need to be reminded that the referee’s decision matters more than mine; that’s not always fun or even fair, but it’s still true. And how often do we say that sort of things to children and young people? “Life’s not fair.” It’s true for adults, too, though we often tend to forget it in our pride. As leaders, we cannot afford to let our pride cause us to dehumanize people, though this will happen to all of us. And when others dehumanize us and attack us, we must have the maturity and humility not to respond on kind. On the occasions when we have failed at both of those, as we inevitably will, may God grant us the humility and grace to go back and apologize and seek forgiveness, in the name of restoring good relationships.

Action Step: What difficult conversation do you need to have with someone in your circle? Ask yourself why you have been avoiding having it, and then decide if it’s worth it to continue putting it off.

RLL 18--'Ragged: 5 Lessons From Preseason Training'

Real Life Leading #18

Ragged: 5 Lessons From Preseason Training

This week was the first week of full training (not just running) for my high school soccer team’s new season, and I learned a handful of valuable lessons that I felt were worth passing on and applying in other areas of life. This is my fifth year coaching at Westbrook Christian School, and we’ve been very blessed to have had some pretty great success. As a result of that, sometimes my expectations were a bit too high for the first week, and it took me a few days to realize it. By the way, I also learned there is a difference between ‘expectations’ and ‘standards,’ but more on that in a minute.

Lesson 1: Expect things to be a bit ragged at first.

The 2017 seniors from WCS with their AHSAA State Runner-Up trophy. An amazing group of players!

Each of the past two seasons, our high school girls soccer team has made it to the state championship game. After that first appearance, we graduated seven seniors. After the second appearance, we graduated eight more seniors. So we have lost a significant amount of talent in the past couple seasons. However, we also have a lot of young players that are talented and promising. As a result of that, my expectations for the first week of training were sky-high, and so I was actually a little disappointed with our first couple of practices. It was only after discussing this with my wife and also my assistant coaches that I realized my expectations were unrealistic.

I find this is true in many areas of life: we have certain expectations based on past experiences, and then when the reality fails to meet the expectations, we are disappointed. This often happens with long-planned vacations or with Christmas-time family gatherings. We view our memories through ‘nostalgia goggles’ and then wonder why our present experiences don’t quite measure up to what we had pictured in our heads. This is what I was doing with my soccer team as well. When I stepped back to look at my team more objectively, I was also able to remember that even with those previous teams, our first few practices were pretty ragged.

This is natural for any new endeavor as well: remember what is was like the first time you tried to drive a stick-shift? Or the first time you used the vacuum cleaner as a child and got the cord tangled around various furniture? Whenever we begin a new season in our lives, we should expect it to take a while to smooth things out.

Lesson 2: Correct the mistakes and encourage the successes.

As the week of practice went on, I found that I had two primary tasks: correcting the mistakes and encouraging the successes of my players. Even the older, more experienced players needed to be reminded of certain aspects of technique and positioning, just as we often need to be reminded of certain things we’ve previously mastered. As C.S. Lewis once wrote, “We need to be reminded much more often than we need to be taught.”

In addition to correcting the mistakes, I also wanted to make sure that I was pointing out what my players were doing well. There's a saying in the teaching profession: "It's important to catch students doing things right." This is true at home, in an office, or on a playing field: if the leaders will catch people doing things right and point it out, especially things that were previously being done incorrectly, this has a lasting impact on the whole group.

Lesson 3: You have to be looking for the successes in order to see them.

Most people have experienced a situation in which we struggled with a task, finally overcame the obstacle, and then were bummed out when we realized that no one even noticed we’d finally achieved our goal. That’s a particularly frustrating place to be. So as leaders, we have to make sure that we’re constantly on the lookout for things that our followers are doing well so that we can be sure to notice them.

Some of the seniors and others from the 2016 AHSAA State-Runner up team. ALSO an amazing group of people!

At home, if my daughters clean up their rooms or do the dishes without being asked, I try to be sure to thank them for that so as to encourage this behavior again in the future. On the other hand, if they do extra housework and it goes unappreciated or unnoticed, they are less likely to repeat that same action again. So we need to be sure to pay attention in order to make sure we see the successes, even if they’re only small ones. When we catch people doing things well and then show them that we appreciate it, it can go a long way. But in order to do this, we have to be looking for the successes and victories.

Lesson 4: Set your standards high and keep them there.

Years ago when I was teaching at a large public school in Fayetteville, North Carolina, I heard my principal say, “Having a great school is easy: set your standards high and then keep them there.” He made it sound so simple. And then he continued, “Oh, and hire a good lawyer.” His point was two-fold: first, if we set and keep high standards, it will help to raise the level of performance (provided we go about this in the right way); and second, keeping high standards will always be met with resistance by those who do not want to put in the work of maintaining those high standards.

Fortunately, most of us don’t face the prospect of a lawsuit in the way that public schools often do. The point about high standards is true in every area of life, though, and it is the leader’s job to set the standards and keep them there. As I mentioned at the beginning, there is a difference between expectations and standards: our expectations are often based on past experiences even when the circumstances have changed, while our standards are what we hope to achieve and maintain in the future, taking the new circumstances into account. So as leaders, let’s have realistic expectations while also setting and maintaining high standards for our groups, teams, and businesses.

Lesson 5: It's crucial to lead the leaders.

Not all leaders are created equal, especially when it comes to influence. Most people have experienced the truth of this as children on a playground or as employees in an office. Some people have a commanding presence simply upon entering a room, while others may more easily fade into the background, whether by choice or due to circumstances. So as leaders one of our tasks is to pay attention to see who the primary influencers in the group are. Once we have identified them, then we need to be sure that we are especially focusing on helping them be the type of influence that we want in our groups.

On the soccer field, this means that I need to choose my captains carefully. My leaders are not always my most skilled players or my most vocal players, just as the leaders in an office are not always the employees who are making the most money or the ones getting the most public recognition. The leaders are the ones that change the atmosphere by their presence, whether positively or negatively. If we are to have a lasting impact on our groups, we need to begin by leading the leaders that are already emerging and also keeping an eye out for the next group of leaders so as to be preparing the groundwork for the future.

Action step: this week, pay extra attention to make sure that you are catching your audience doing things well and encouraging them for it. Let me know what you see and how you pointed it out to them.

RLL 17: Both/And--4 Things I Learned Writing My First Book

Real Life Leading #17

Both/And: 4 Lessons Learned from Writing my First Book

Last week I announced the big news: I have completed the first draft of my first book! This is huge! Over a decade ago, I started my first book-writing project, and then I started a second...and then a third. None of them have been completed yet, and the book that is now complete is very different than the one I originally intended to write. However, I am thrilled to have finished the draft, and along the way I have learned four valuable lessons that are applicable not just to book-writing but also to leadership and life.

1) Writing a book is both easy and hard.

According to my brother-in-law, when I started a second career as a public speaker and author it surprised exactly no one. I’m a high school history teacher, and it turns out that I love to talk. So public speaking and writing was a natural fit for some of my skill sets. But I also knew I’d been trying to write a book for years without any real success. Writing this book was an absolute joy in some ways: I was able to tell stories, to share memories, to help people see life differently and rethink leadership. Writing this book was easy.

Writing the book was also massively hard work. It was many hours of researching, planning, outlining, revising, typing, and retyping. And that was just to finish the first draft! I spent a considerable amount of my school breaks (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and snow days--we’ve had an inordinate amount of those already this winter) sitting at the computer and typing, rather than what I usually do: read for leisure or nap in my recliner while ‘watching’ a soccer game.

This is one of my favorite ways to spend time during breaks from school

As I thought about this process, I realized that this “easy and hard” dichotomy is true in many areas of life. Marriage: both easy and hard. Being a parent: same. Being a teacher and coach: it’s a dream come true...and it can be seriously frustrating. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by the dual nature of the process, and yet I was. Now I know, and I am excited about moving from the draft stage of the book to the finished and published product. In your life, I would imagine it's much the same: things you enjoy are both easy in some ways and very difficult in others.

2) Feedback and criticism is both crucial and unpleasant.

When JRR Tolkien first shared some of his writings that would become ‘The Lord of the Rings’ with his friends the Inklings, the character nicknamed ‘Strider’ was originally to have been called ‘Trotter.’ If you’re not familiar with the books, Strider is later revealed to be Aragorn, long-lost heir of kings, and one of the single coolest characters ever written. Had his nickname been Trotter instead of Strider for much of the first book, it’s hard to imagine people taking him quite so seriously. If Tolkien had to revise and change some crucial elements of his book, I most definitely will have to do the same.

I was reminded of this when I sent my draft to some friends for helpful criticism and feedback. I’m not sure what I expected; perhaps they’d all reply with, “It’s perfect! A masterpiece! Don’t change a thing!” Yeah, no, that’s not how it happened. Instead, hardly a paragraph went by without a note or an edit from a couple different trusted friends. The more I re-read through the draft, the more I realized they were correct in their suggestions and tips as well. It’s often this way with our leadership, if we have the humility to both ask for and graciously receive feedback. Not one of us is perfect, which means we all have room to improve. One of the best ways to know what we need to work on is to ask someone we trust, someone who can see us more objectively than we see ourselves. In a silly way, I often tell people that if they want to see their flaws clearly, just go be a teacher for a few days: students LOVE to point out every mistake a teacher makes. I certainly did as a student. As leaders, we need to be willing to ask others for feedback, and then we need to be humble enough to listen when they answer, rather than getting defensive or dismissive of things we might not like to hear. If we don’t listen, we just enhance the problem by ignoring it in favor of hearing what is comfortable, rather than what will help us grow. This habit can be fatal to a leader, so let us be humble in our listening.

3) ‘Done with a draft’ is a far cry from ‘done with a book.’

I was extremely excited and thrilled to announce to the world that I finished my draft! I still get excited when I think about it, especially when I remember the other writing projects that never got beyond the ‘partial research/outline’ stage. It’s been amazing to check my email and see feedback from trusted sources who have now read a book that I wrote! It’s also a reminder that there is still very much work to be done.

Just like in business, in sports, and in life, there is always more work to be done either on this project or in beginning a new one. I have had to be careful not to let myself get too carried away with thinking, “Ok, I’m finished, so now all I have to do is publish it and hope for the best.” The reality is that there are many steps still left to be completed: revising, marketing, editing, cover design, more marketing, launching, even more marketing. You get the idea. To be done with a draft is great; to be done with a book is an accomplishment that I have not yet realized.

It is much the same with my classes, my soccer program, and my children. At the end of each semester, it is fun to let myself be excited about how much we achieved together. But then I’m also quickly reminded that a new set of students will be coming in shortly, and it all begins again. Soccer season is similar to that as well: no matter how well we do one season, the next season is right around the corner, with its own challenges and hurdles. As to my children, well, I know that one day they’ll grow up and leave the house, but I don’t think I’ll be done working with them this side of eternity, though I do recognize that my role with change as they get older.

This is what my desk looks like when I work. Notice the mini-cassette recorder: this is how I 'wrote' much of my first draft while making my forty-five minute drive to and from school each day.

Let’s embrace the process of whatever work we’re involved in, knowing that even when we’re finished there will be another project, task, or assignment just around the bend.

4) I needed help--and so do most people.

This isn’t necessarily going to be an ‘acknowledgements’ section, like you’d find in a book, but I do want to point out something that I often say in my leadership presentations: rarely does anyone accomplish a task of lasting significance without help. This book is no exception. I’ve had the help of the people around me, my wife and kids especially, as well as the help of relatives and friends farther away who have asked about my progress and encouraged me as I wrote.

In addition to what I call real-life help, I’ve also had what I call the virtual-help of various other people, mostly accomplished authors and business people who have served as inspirations and who have, mostly without knowing it, provided guidance and help in the writing process. What I realized in writing this book is that I knew very little about actually writing a book. Writing? Sure, I can do that. Writing a book that will be meaningful and impact people’s lives, that will help them rethink their world and their role in it...that’s a bit more complicated.

When I realized this, I began to seek the help and knowledge of various people. This includes Bob Burg (www.burg.com), co-author of ‘The Go-Giver’ series, who was kind enough to read some of my blog posts and who was very encouraging about my writing. It also includes Chandler Bolt (www.selfpublishingschool.com) and Rob Kosburg (www.bestsellerpublishing.com), both of whom have, through their own blogs and podcast interviews and online programs, taught me most of what I now know about the book writing process as well as the complexities of publication and book marketing. This list also includes the amazing Neen James (www.neenjames.com) who has taught me about the importance of focusing my attention on the task at hand. And finally, Jon Acuff (www.acuff.me), author of ‘Do Over’ and ‘Finish’, whose work has inspired me that I also can complete my book, rather than just letting it become yet another unfinished project.

Every one of the people mentioned in that paragraph is what I aspire to be: a best-selling author and speaker whose work is changing lives and impacting people in a positive way. The lesson here is simple: seek out those who are what you want to be, who have accomplished what you want to accomplish, and then learn from them. None of us is an expert in everything, so instead let us learn from those who already have the expertise we seek, whether that is in writing, in leadership, in our families, or in our businesses.

Thanks for reading this week’s update. I’m excited that my speaking is about to get very busy for the next few weeks, and then soccer season will (forgive the pun) kickoff as well!

Action Step:

This week, ask yourself what task you’ve been unsuccessfully working on, and then examine your circle to see who you might look to for help, guidance, and inspiration. Then email me and let me know what you decided and how it turned out. See you next week!