RLL 22: The Value of Values--Overcoming Adversity

RLL 22:  The Value of Values--Dealing With Adversity

This past week, my soccer team suffered its worst defeat in my five years in charge of the program, losing heavily to a cross-town rival. The very frustrating part was that we had just tied with this same team two weeks ago, and we thought we had a chance to actually beat them for the first time in years. Instead we lost 7-0, and it could have been worse. They outplayed us, outworked us, and it was clear that they had a lot more heart than we did on that particular night. So then the question became: what do we do to fix everything that went wrong? How do we deal with this adversity?

When things don't look so good, how does your group respond?

For any organization, the answer to those questions (How do we fix what is wrong? and How do we deal with adversity?) is in part already answered by the organization’s structure and values. But in part, the way an organization answers that question is also very much dependant upon how much the organization actually believes in and focuses on those values.

Let me illustrate: a couple of weeks ago, we had to do active shooter training at school, and one of the policemen in charge of the training made a great statement that I’d heard before but had not applied in this situation: people don’t rise to the occasion nearly as often as they fall to the level of their training, especially in high intensity and dangerous situations. Now, obviously, most of us are not going to be threatened with life or death situations on a daily basis (except people like policemen and firefighters, God bless and protect them). But I believe the statement is true for all of us: how we respond is in great part shaped by how well we have been trained and by the principles and values we stand for.

Human beings are creatures of habit, to the point where we often do not consciously think of what we are doing when responding to many given situations: we simply act in a way consistent with how we have responded to similar situations in the past until some new factor forces us to reevaluate our response. We brush our teeth the same way until we have too much sensitivity, then we change technique. We get gas at the same station until it’s unexpectedly closed on evening, and we have to ask ourselves where the next nearest station is. Thus, when real adversity arises, we will most likely respond however we have responded in the past, even if that response was not as helpful or productive as we would have liked.

How do we overcome this? By changing our habits to make them more consistent with our values, and by first making sure that our values are clear to our entire organization. With my soccer program, our motto is “Walk Worthy,” and it comes from a verse of Scripture that says, “Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you were called” (Ephesians 4:1-3 is the whole passage of our motto). This means that in every situation, we are to comport ourselves in a way that is consistent with what we say we believe: love others, value them above ourselves, and treat other people with respect no matter the circumstances.

How we respond is greatly shaped by what we stand for and what we see when we look around.

I’ll be the first to admit that I often fail at this; yet it is our value system nonetheless, and so every new day is also a new opportunity to try to live up to these values better than I did the day before. And so it is with my soccer program and with whatever organization you are a part of. Whatever the values of your company, institution, family, or corporation, they will in large part shape how you respond to and try to overcome adversity.

One note of warning, however: often, what we say we believe and what we actually do in practice are different things. So if your organization is one in which backbiting or deception is common, then no amount of talking about your values is going to help until those problems are dealt with.

But back to the point: I mentioned at the beginning that part of how your group deals with adversity is already answered by the structure and values of your organization. This is what I meant: whatever you stand for, whatever you believe, these will greatly shape your response. The second part is how well you implement what you say you believe, and thus is is imperative that we as leaders do two things: 1) make sure that our values are clear and are understood by everyone within our influence; and 2) stand by our values, even when it would be easier not to. As the comedian Jon Stewart said, “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values; they’re hobbies.”

If you aren’t clear on what your group stands for, then make it a point to find out and educate your team on them before you face adversity. That way you have a starting point for dealing with the problem. Once you’re clear on your values, be sure to stand by them no matter the circumstances. Compromise is a great thing in terms of implementation of specific aspects of policy; but never compromise your values and beliefs.

Action Step:

Take a few moments this week to either figure out (if you don’t already know) or review (if you do know but have perhaps forgotten) your group’s core values and understand WHY they are your group’s values. Then make sure everyone on your team is clear about them as well. Be sure to email me and let me know how it goes and if I can help!

RLL 21: 'Pups Under the Bed: Consistency is Key'

'Pups Under the Bed: Consistency Is Key'

Last night, we had a pretty giant rainstorm. The noise of the rain woke both my wife and me in the dark hours of the early morning. The other noise that woke us, though, was of one of our dogs whining outside our bedroom door. This is not entirely unusual, because our newer dog (Bruiser) has a habit of waking us in the night to let him outside to go to the bathroom. However, when we heard the noise of the rain, we realized that 'outside' is the very last place this dog wanted to go right now. He wanted in our bedroom, where we were, because he was afraid of the storm.

The pups love getting to be on the couch at their grandparents' house!

Our other dog, Butterscotch, is also very afraid of storms: the noise, the lightning, all of it causes her to shudder and whine and find a place where she can bunker down until the weather improves. We don't know if our dogs are afraid of storms just as a part of their natural make-up--I know lots of pet owners have dogs with similar feelings about bad weather--or if it is more due to their background. What we do know is this: when there is bad weather, the dogs absolutely want to be wherever we are.

So when Bruiser woke us in the middle of the night, my wife got up and let Bruiser into our bedroom. Most nights he sleeps in my recliner in the den, in part because he likes it and in part because Bruiser is a bit of a loud sleeper most of the time: he's part bulldog and thus makes that snuffly-snoring noise a lot. But last night, after being allowed to come into our room, he was as quiet as a mouse. When I woke up this morning, both dogs came crawling out from under our bed (that's Butterscotch's usual sleep spot at night), ready to begin the day.

In that moment, I was struck by the dogs and how they operate like clockwork: when there is bad weather, they find us. They need to know that they are going to be protected and safe and dry. They need consistency, and they need to be reassured about it on a regular basis. And I find this is true in our positions of leadership as well. We need to provide models of consistency and stability for our audiences: our children, our employees, our players, whatever it may be.

They also love getting into the recliner whenever anyone sits down! 

This principle is true throughout life: we may not always like or agree with whatever the rules are, but as long as they are being enforced consistently we can live with them. On the other side of the coin, when there is a situation that needs to be reconciled, we appreciate knowing that whoever is in charge will take care of it, and that provides us with stability and confidence in our leaders. This is the type of leadership we should strive to exercise: consistent and stable.

When we are inconsistent with our leadership, when we only enforce the rules occasionally, there will almost always be problems. This is true in a home when a child never really knows the boundaries because the parents are permissive one day and ultra-strict the next (for more on this, read any of the amazing books by Dr. Kevin Leman). This is true in a town when the laws are applied unfairly, even seemingly small things such as who gets pulled over in a speed trap. This is true in a company when certain employees are allowed to get away with shirking their duties while others have to pick up the slack. Inconsistency always leads to confusion, and this almost inevitably turns into frustration and anger.

Remember how frustrating it was as a child when your sibling got away with something that you got in trouble for? Or as a student when some classmates got away with the same behavior that got you reprimanded? Or even as an adult when we see injustice in the news or in our own towns? These issues are all due to inconsistency in leadership, and it is up to us, the leaders, to provide the consistency and stability that can solve these problems.

So today, let's commit to being consistent leaders, leaders who can be depended upon for stability in our organizations. Let us provide our audiences with confidence, because they know that whatever happens, we will be there to help sort it out. This will require wisdom, and it will require humility, so also be sure to ask a few trusted advisers to point out to you any areas of inconsistency that they see, in order that you can improve in these areas.

Action Step: Look for areas of inconsistency in your life and leadership, and decide on one way in which you can address the issue and provide more consistency for those in your charge.

RLL 19: Listening as Leadership

Real Life Leading #19:

Listening as Leadership

My older daughter and I goofing off when we're supposed to be doing a photo session.

One night this past week, I received an amazing compliment from my teenage daughter. I had tucked her in at bedtime (I’ll keep doing this as long as she lets me), and then she and I had started talking. After ten minutes, I realized she really did need to go to sleep because she had school the next morning. I mentioned this to her, and she responded with something that brought tears to my eyes. She said, “But Dad, I don’t want to go to sleep yet.” When I asked her why not, she replied, “Because I like talking to you.”

A day earlier I had an amazing conversation with my younger daughter as well, and as I reflected on those two conversations, I realized that I hadn’t actually said much during either one. Perhaps that’s why the girls enjoyed those particular exchanges so much; and isn’t that true of all of us? Many of us love to talk with people, to share stories, to make people laugh or feel whatever we felt in the moment we’re reliving through the stories. If you're at all like me, though, what we're less good at and what we often enjoy less is being a good listener to other people’s stories, especially when we have stories of our own that we want to share.

Today, I want to encourage you to consciously apply yourself to becoming a  better listener for two reasons: one, everyone needs a good listener in their lives, and if we can be that for people, so much the better; and two, being a good listener is crucial to being a good leader. It is through listening that we discover the chinks in our organization’s armor. It is through listening that we discover what problems need to be solved and who may have unexpected skill sets that can help to solve them. It is through listening that we learn, and if you’re a regular reader of my blog, you’ll know how big I am on learning as a leader.

Three quick thoughts on why listening is so crucial to great leadership:

1) Listening forces us to focus on other people, not just on ourselves.

My younger daughter and I on another photo adventure!

When I was talking with my younger daughter, I had to force myself to not do my typical parent move of “Here’s the problem; here’s the solution, now let’s move on.” Instead, my wife has encouraged me to really just listen sometimes. As I’ve gotten better at that, I’ve discovered that many people aren’t looking for solutions. They’re simply looking for someone to listen to them as they share whatever is on their heart. If we’re going to listen well then we have to actively pay attention. This means putting our phone or other device away, looking people in the eye, and really focusing on what they are saying and feeling. And that goes a long way toward relationship building.

 

2) Listening helps us empathize with what others are going through.

Have you ever told someone a story about a huge event in your life, only to hear your ‘listener’ utter a noncommittal grunt at the end? I know I have been the ‘grunter’ more often than I care to admit, and that happens when I wasn’t really as interested in listening as I should have been. When we truly listen, we connect emotionally with the story-teller, and that allows us to empathize with them as they recount their tale. I have found this is extremely important when talking with my wife and my daughters, especially as they have gotten older. Bullies at school, successes in the classroom, problems with friends, joy at some award; whatever the story is about, if they feel something, I want to feel it with them so they know that I care. I’m very blessed at work to have bosses who listen this way, and it makes me a more committed employee because I know that when I’m dealing with something, they get it, and it matters to them too.

 

3) Listening lets us learn.

Family selfie! 

This one may seem a bit self-evident, but it’s worth saying anyway. When we listen well, we learn: we learn history, we learn economics, we learn about other people’s personality and preferences. At soccer practice the other day, my assistant coach (whose father started our program ten years ago) began telling the current players about how different things were then and contrasting where we are now. This was done in an effort to help the current group appreciate the work done by previous players, and it opened their eyes to how blessed we all are now. Listening helps us learn, and that learning also teaches us humility. I know that when I listen to my daughters I'm often surprised at some of the things they tell me; sometimes it's because they're so different than I was, and sometimes it's because I've forgotten what it was like to be an adolescent. Whatever the reason, I'm always amazed at what I learn when I actively listen to them.

When we listen, we are purposely focusing on other people. This helps us be more empathetic, and it also helps us to learn about other people as well as ourselves. How much can this transform culture in the workplace? Tremendously so. Imagine an organization of people who lead from a place of understanding because they’ve been actively listening to each other: collaboration increases, productivity increases, morale increases. Imagine a family where the parents listen to the children as they recount their days, and as the children listen as their parents share the wisdom of their years. As a teacher and coach, I’ve found that one of the best things I can do to build great relationships with my students and players is simply to listen. As an employee, manager, owner, or entrepreneur, if you listen, you’ll be amazed at how it can transform your world too.

Action Step: this week, make it a priority to resist the urge to interrupt when someone is telling you a story. Instead, follow up a story with at least two questions, to show the storyteller that you were listening and interested. Then email me and let me know how it went.

Have a great week!