RLL 21: 'Pups Under the Bed: Consistency is Key'

'Pups Under the Bed: Consistency Is Key'

Last night, we had a pretty giant rainstorm. The noise of the rain woke both my wife and me in the dark hours of the early morning. The other noise that woke us, though, was of one of our dogs whining outside our bedroom door. This is not entirely unusual, because our newer dog (Bruiser) has a habit of waking us in the night to let him outside to go to the bathroom. However, when we heard the noise of the rain, we realized that 'outside' is the very last place this dog wanted to go right now. He wanted in our bedroom, where we were, because he was afraid of the storm.

The pups love getting to be on the couch at their grandparents' house!

Our other dog, Butterscotch, is also very afraid of storms: the noise, the lightning, all of it causes her to shudder and whine and find a place where she can bunker down until the weather improves. We don't know if our dogs are afraid of storms just as a part of their natural make-up--I know lots of pet owners have dogs with similar feelings about bad weather--or if it is more due to their background. What we do know is this: when there is bad weather, the dogs absolutely want to be wherever we are.

So when Bruiser woke us in the middle of the night, my wife got up and let Bruiser into our bedroom. Most nights he sleeps in my recliner in the den, in part because he likes it and in part because Bruiser is a bit of a loud sleeper most of the time: he's part bulldog and thus makes that snuffly-snoring noise a lot. But last night, after being allowed to come into our room, he was as quiet as a mouse. When I woke up this morning, both dogs came crawling out from under our bed (that's Butterscotch's usual sleep spot at night), ready to begin the day.

In that moment, I was struck by the dogs and how they operate like clockwork: when there is bad weather, they find us. They need to know that they are going to be protected and safe and dry. They need consistency, and they need to be reassured about it on a regular basis. And I find this is true in our positions of leadership as well. We need to provide models of consistency and stability for our audiences: our children, our employees, our players, whatever it may be.

They also love getting into the recliner whenever anyone sits down! 

This principle is true throughout life: we may not always like or agree with whatever the rules are, but as long as they are being enforced consistently we can live with them. On the other side of the coin, when there is a situation that needs to be reconciled, we appreciate knowing that whoever is in charge will take care of it, and that provides us with stability and confidence in our leaders. This is the type of leadership we should strive to exercise: consistent and stable.

When we are inconsistent with our leadership, when we only enforce the rules occasionally, there will almost always be problems. This is true in a home when a child never really knows the boundaries because the parents are permissive one day and ultra-strict the next (for more on this, read any of the amazing books by Dr. Kevin Leman). This is true in a town when the laws are applied unfairly, even seemingly small things such as who gets pulled over in a speed trap. This is true in a company when certain employees are allowed to get away with shirking their duties while others have to pick up the slack. Inconsistency always leads to confusion, and this almost inevitably turns into frustration and anger.

Remember how frustrating it was as a child when your sibling got away with something that you got in trouble for? Or as a student when some classmates got away with the same behavior that got you reprimanded? Or even as an adult when we see injustice in the news or in our own towns? These issues are all due to inconsistency in leadership, and it is up to us, the leaders, to provide the consistency and stability that can solve these problems.

So today, let's commit to being consistent leaders, leaders who can be depended upon for stability in our organizations. Let us provide our audiences with confidence, because they know that whatever happens, we will be there to help sort it out. This will require wisdom, and it will require humility, so also be sure to ask a few trusted advisers to point out to you any areas of inconsistency that they see, in order that you can improve in these areas.

Action Step: Look for areas of inconsistency in your life and leadership, and decide on one way in which you can address the issue and provide more consistency for those in your charge.

RLL 19: Listening as Leadership

Real Life Leading #19:

Listening as Leadership

My older daughter and I goofing off when we're supposed to be doing a photo session.

One night this past week, I received an amazing compliment from my teenage daughter. I had tucked her in at bedtime (I’ll keep doing this as long as she lets me), and then she and I had started talking. After ten minutes, I realized she really did need to go to sleep because she had school the next morning. I mentioned this to her, and she responded with something that brought tears to my eyes. She said, “But Dad, I don’t want to go to sleep yet.” When I asked her why not, she replied, “Because I like talking to you.”

A day earlier I had an amazing conversation with my younger daughter as well, and as I reflected on those two conversations, I realized that I hadn’t actually said much during either one. Perhaps that’s why the girls enjoyed those particular exchanges so much; and isn’t that true of all of us? Many of us love to talk with people, to share stories, to make people laugh or feel whatever we felt in the moment we’re reliving through the stories. If you're at all like me, though, what we're less good at and what we often enjoy less is being a good listener to other people’s stories, especially when we have stories of our own that we want to share.

Today, I want to encourage you to consciously apply yourself to becoming a  better listener for two reasons: one, everyone needs a good listener in their lives, and if we can be that for people, so much the better; and two, being a good listener is crucial to being a good leader. It is through listening that we discover the chinks in our organization’s armor. It is through listening that we discover what problems need to be solved and who may have unexpected skill sets that can help to solve them. It is through listening that we learn, and if you’re a regular reader of my blog, you’ll know how big I am on learning as a leader.

Three quick thoughts on why listening is so crucial to great leadership:

1) Listening forces us to focus on other people, not just on ourselves.

My younger daughter and I on another photo adventure!

When I was talking with my younger daughter, I had to force myself to not do my typical parent move of “Here’s the problem; here’s the solution, now let’s move on.” Instead, my wife has encouraged me to really just listen sometimes. As I’ve gotten better at that, I’ve discovered that many people aren’t looking for solutions. They’re simply looking for someone to listen to them as they share whatever is on their heart. If we’re going to listen well then we have to actively pay attention. This means putting our phone or other device away, looking people in the eye, and really focusing on what they are saying and feeling. And that goes a long way toward relationship building.

 

2) Listening helps us empathize with what others are going through.

Have you ever told someone a story about a huge event in your life, only to hear your ‘listener’ utter a noncommittal grunt at the end? I know I have been the ‘grunter’ more often than I care to admit, and that happens when I wasn’t really as interested in listening as I should have been. When we truly listen, we connect emotionally with the story-teller, and that allows us to empathize with them as they recount their tale. I have found this is extremely important when talking with my wife and my daughters, especially as they have gotten older. Bullies at school, successes in the classroom, problems with friends, joy at some award; whatever the story is about, if they feel something, I want to feel it with them so they know that I care. I’m very blessed at work to have bosses who listen this way, and it makes me a more committed employee because I know that when I’m dealing with something, they get it, and it matters to them too.

 

3) Listening lets us learn.

Family selfie! 

This one may seem a bit self-evident, but it’s worth saying anyway. When we listen well, we learn: we learn history, we learn economics, we learn about other people’s personality and preferences. At soccer practice the other day, my assistant coach (whose father started our program ten years ago) began telling the current players about how different things were then and contrasting where we are now. This was done in an effort to help the current group appreciate the work done by previous players, and it opened their eyes to how blessed we all are now. Listening helps us learn, and that learning also teaches us humility. I know that when I listen to my daughters I'm often surprised at some of the things they tell me; sometimes it's because they're so different than I was, and sometimes it's because I've forgotten what it was like to be an adolescent. Whatever the reason, I'm always amazed at what I learn when I actively listen to them.

When we listen, we are purposely focusing on other people. This helps us be more empathetic, and it also helps us to learn about other people as well as ourselves. How much can this transform culture in the workplace? Tremendously so. Imagine an organization of people who lead from a place of understanding because they’ve been actively listening to each other: collaboration increases, productivity increases, morale increases. Imagine a family where the parents listen to the children as they recount their days, and as the children listen as their parents share the wisdom of their years. As a teacher and coach, I’ve found that one of the best things I can do to build great relationships with my students and players is simply to listen. As an employee, manager, owner, or entrepreneur, if you listen, you’ll be amazed at how it can transform your world too.

Action Step: this week, make it a priority to resist the urge to interrupt when someone is telling you a story. Instead, follow up a story with at least two questions, to show the storyteller that you were listening and interested. Then email me and let me know how it went.

Have a great week!

RLL 18--'Ragged: 5 Lessons From Preseason Training'

Real Life Leading #18

Ragged: 5 Lessons From Preseason Training

This week was the first week of full training (not just running) for my high school soccer team’s new season, and I learned a handful of valuable lessons that I felt were worth passing on and applying in other areas of life. This is my fifth year coaching at Westbrook Christian School, and we’ve been very blessed to have had some pretty great success. As a result of that, sometimes my expectations were a bit too high for the first week, and it took me a few days to realize it. By the way, I also learned there is a difference between ‘expectations’ and ‘standards,’ but more on that in a minute.

Lesson 1: Expect things to be a bit ragged at first.

The 2017 seniors from WCS with their AHSAA State Runner-Up trophy. An amazing group of players!

Each of the past two seasons, our high school girls soccer team has made it to the state championship game. After that first appearance, we graduated seven seniors. After the second appearance, we graduated eight more seniors. So we have lost a significant amount of talent in the past couple seasons. However, we also have a lot of young players that are talented and promising. As a result of that, my expectations for the first week of training were sky-high, and so I was actually a little disappointed with our first couple of practices. It was only after discussing this with my wife and also my assistant coaches that I realized my expectations were unrealistic.

I find this is true in many areas of life: we have certain expectations based on past experiences, and then when the reality fails to meet the expectations, we are disappointed. This often happens with long-planned vacations or with Christmas-time family gatherings. We view our memories through ‘nostalgia goggles’ and then wonder why our present experiences don’t quite measure up to what we had pictured in our heads. This is what I was doing with my soccer team as well. When I stepped back to look at my team more objectively, I was also able to remember that even with those previous teams, our first few practices were pretty ragged.

This is natural for any new endeavor as well: remember what is was like the first time you tried to drive a stick-shift? Or the first time you used the vacuum cleaner as a child and got the cord tangled around various furniture? Whenever we begin a new season in our lives, we should expect it to take a while to smooth things out.

Lesson 2: Correct the mistakes and encourage the successes.

As the week of practice went on, I found that I had two primary tasks: correcting the mistakes and encouraging the successes of my players. Even the older, more experienced players needed to be reminded of certain aspects of technique and positioning, just as we often need to be reminded of certain things we’ve previously mastered. As C.S. Lewis once wrote, “We need to be reminded much more often than we need to be taught.”

In addition to correcting the mistakes, I also wanted to make sure that I was pointing out what my players were doing well. There's a saying in the teaching profession: "It's important to catch students doing things right." This is true at home, in an office, or on a playing field: if the leaders will catch people doing things right and point it out, especially things that were previously being done incorrectly, this has a lasting impact on the whole group.

Lesson 3: You have to be looking for the successes in order to see them.

Most people have experienced a situation in which we struggled with a task, finally overcame the obstacle, and then were bummed out when we realized that no one even noticed we’d finally achieved our goal. That’s a particularly frustrating place to be. So as leaders, we have to make sure that we’re constantly on the lookout for things that our followers are doing well so that we can be sure to notice them.

Some of the seniors and others from the 2016 AHSAA State-Runner up team. ALSO an amazing group of people!

At home, if my daughters clean up their rooms or do the dishes without being asked, I try to be sure to thank them for that so as to encourage this behavior again in the future. On the other hand, if they do extra housework and it goes unappreciated or unnoticed, they are less likely to repeat that same action again. So we need to be sure to pay attention in order to make sure we see the successes, even if they’re only small ones. When we catch people doing things well and then show them that we appreciate it, it can go a long way. But in order to do this, we have to be looking for the successes and victories.

Lesson 4: Set your standards high and keep them there.

Years ago when I was teaching at a large public school in Fayetteville, North Carolina, I heard my principal say, “Having a great school is easy: set your standards high and then keep them there.” He made it sound so simple. And then he continued, “Oh, and hire a good lawyer.” His point was two-fold: first, if we set and keep high standards, it will help to raise the level of performance (provided we go about this in the right way); and second, keeping high standards will always be met with resistance by those who do not want to put in the work of maintaining those high standards.

Fortunately, most of us don’t face the prospect of a lawsuit in the way that public schools often do. The point about high standards is true in every area of life, though, and it is the leader’s job to set the standards and keep them there. As I mentioned at the beginning, there is a difference between expectations and standards: our expectations are often based on past experiences even when the circumstances have changed, while our standards are what we hope to achieve and maintain in the future, taking the new circumstances into account. So as leaders, let’s have realistic expectations while also setting and maintaining high standards for our groups, teams, and businesses.

Lesson 5: It's crucial to lead the leaders.

Not all leaders are created equal, especially when it comes to influence. Most people have experienced the truth of this as children on a playground or as employees in an office. Some people have a commanding presence simply upon entering a room, while others may more easily fade into the background, whether by choice or due to circumstances. So as leaders one of our tasks is to pay attention to see who the primary influencers in the group are. Once we have identified them, then we need to be sure that we are especially focusing on helping them be the type of influence that we want in our groups.

On the soccer field, this means that I need to choose my captains carefully. My leaders are not always my most skilled players or my most vocal players, just as the leaders in an office are not always the employees who are making the most money or the ones getting the most public recognition. The leaders are the ones that change the atmosphere by their presence, whether positively or negatively. If we are to have a lasting impact on our groups, we need to begin by leading the leaders that are already emerging and also keeping an eye out for the next group of leaders so as to be preparing the groundwork for the future.

Action step: this week, pay extra attention to make sure that you are catching your audience doing things well and encouraging them for it. Let me know what you see and how you pointed it out to them.